So the New Year cometh

Wow! I am one lucky girl. I actually did get some stuff from my wish list which is pretty fabulous. I got some perfume (Hugo Femme - thanks mum!) and I got 5 books which I have pretty much devoured as I have read 4 of them already - but hey it was like someone gave a glass of water to someone who hadn't had a drink for a week - I couldn't help myself. Not to mention that the Twilight Saga was just such a good and easy read I had to continue till there was nothing left and I may re-read them very soon. I took my sister to the cinema on Boxing Day to watch Twilight the movie, probably not the best thing to do the day after reading the first two books but hey it was still enjoyable. I'm one of those people that, whilst I love the movies am always a little disappointed with how much of the detail in the writing has to be dropped to make a film but still very enjoyable. A little question for any of you who may have read the book and watched the movie, do you feel Edward should have glistened more in the sun? Oh well I still enjoyed it - in fact I loved it I just preferred the book. My imagination does a lot more with the information in a book than can be possible in a movie.

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My brother who at 4 years older than me went through every obsession I had before he left home got me some of the most fantastic DVD's ever. The Blues Brothers (shake a tail feather baby), Red Sonja (Oh Yeah) and the movie that ignited a passion for the world of myth legend and fantasy now don't laugh..............Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the original) fabulous!!!!

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Life is as hectic as ever which is great I don't have to go back to work until January 5th which is way too long yet when I'm back will not feel like long enough at all. If this sounds a little messy then i apologise - I am suffering from verbal diarrhea and you are getting the brunt of it. Like I said...Sorry.

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I also had a phone call yesterday, my best friend is pregnant - its fab news she is so excited bless her, I am keeping everything i possess crossed because its really really early days and none of us are oblivious to all the things that can happen. I feel all excited, its a bit like I'm becoming an auntie!

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So what are you up to for New Years? I haven't decided yet, little man is with his dad (urg - I hate it but lil man comes first and foremost and if Peter Pan wannabe feels like he can cope then who am I to stand in the way of a relationship being forged) Anyway, what I was saying was that little man is with his dad and Ive been invited to a party at a friends house. I have said no because I don't like the thought that my mum and sister will be sat in the lounge watching the countdown on TV alone, especially after they've helped me so much this year. Sooooooo we are contemplating going out - doing something a little different, Trafalgar square sounds good to me.

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Anyway I am going to go now and probably wont get a chance to write until new year so, sorry for the babble, Have a great new years eve, kiss someone special at midnight and I will be wishing you all lots of fabulous things for 2009 xxx

Well Hello Stranger

So I have nothing wrapped, very little bought for little man compared to what my mum has got for him and I feel totally inadequate, my kid has taken to telling me he doesn't want a nasty mummy and wants a new mummy (I promise I am not nasty to him but to a four year old when mummy says no chocolate for breakfast or some such then I am a nasty mummy). He is now sharing a room with me at my mothers which quite frankly was cute at first but after urinating on my back three times in his sleep is no longer cute but rather bloody tiresome (particularly as he has barely if ever, wet the bed before..grrrrr) but all of that considered we have been doing well.

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I am still working, the Christmas party last weekend was fabulous and I had no hangover, although I suppose the effects of the extraordinarily large quantities of Vodka REDBULL that I drank are only just starting to wear off. The only thing to rain on my parade is the upcoming first anniversary of 'I just don't love you the way a husband should'. A week and 3 days to be precise. It's scary. Nearly a whole year. Sometimes I look in the mirror and its like I'm watching a film of a girl who's looking in the mirror. Surreal.

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We have had a few bumps all living together but its not too bad. When I need space I stick my headphones in turn the volume up on my iPod and blast some Good Charlotte or Boyzone (hmmm yes I think the word you're looking for is eclectic not weird!).

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The highlight of my week has been the Christmas card I got from my fabulous Brother and his equally fabulous lady which was hand drawn and rather classily depicted a robot Santa saying HO HO HO. Just perfect for me and little man and exactly what I'd expect from those two crazy kids living the dream in America.

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If I make a single resolution for next year it will be to life my life in such a way that makes me and those that love me proud.

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Oh and I'm doing driving lessons so it's all good. Now below is a little Christmas wish list for you to peruse, for no reason other than I haven't written a list for years and had an urge to do so!

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1) A little 2 bed house with garden somewhere by the coast down South

2) The one

3) To pass my driving test

4) To start a degree

5) A red Nintendo DS

6) A Personal Trainer

7) Some Socks

8) Some Perfume (preferably Hugo Woman/Hugo Femme)

9) A puppy

10) Some books

11) Some music

12) An unlimited gift card for Simply Be/Evans and Long Tall Sally

13) A passport and holiday for me and sproglet

14) Some DVD'S

15) A nice treat

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So not much hahaha well - they are just wishes!! We can wish for and dream whatever we like can't we, that's the whole point of them!

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Merry Christmas all, I hope your Christmas is full of laughter love and scrumpled wrapping paper and that the New year brings you all lots of health, wealth, love and happiness. Take Care xxx

tis the season to be jolly

I don't read the newspapers, or watch the news on TV, why? because I'm being ignorant? because it helps me not take responsibility for actively participating in the world at large? Maybe it's a little of both but there is also another reason. I just get too bloody sad. You see I believe that fundamentally all people think and feel the same way that I do (clearly they don't) and when I hear some of the awful things that happen in the world its like a little death. Not in the real sense of the word but figuratively speaking. A little bit of my faith in human nature gets worn down and you want to stop believing in the good just in case. So I try not to read too many of the stories and I try not too watch too much of the coverage of the terrible things that go on in the world today because while I know that life is not all butterflies and daisy's and doesn't always smell of roses I have to save a little faith, for the people I love when they run out, for myself when I walk blindly into the future and people don't always let you down.

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Strangers help pick up your shopping when you drop it, or hold the door open when you can't do it yourself, people donate a pound here and there to help children who rely on that money to help them live as healthy, happy and secure a life as possible.

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So in the run up to Christmas which is supposed to be the season to be jolly why don't we all take a moment to smile at someone rather than bow our head, to say thank you to the check out girl who looks totally harassed and to offer our seat on the bus to someone who really does need it more.

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Because perhaps, if we lead by example our children will grow up and do the same.

No Title as yet..........

It's hard being this optimistic all the time so I hope you'll forgive me when I say I feel like poo today. Only because I have been at my old house cleaning and sorting and seeing all the rooms naked (the rooms not me, that would just be odd) has made me feel a little sad for the girl I was when we moved in there as a family of three. Not enough to make me cry, although the tears do keep threatening but enough to make me feel nostalgic, the girl back then was hopeful, naive and oblivious to a lot. Somehow though I know I was less self sufficient, less independant and less everything (except heavy, I am definitely less heavy now) I also have a small sense of longing for those feelings.

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I truly felt that things would work out. They didn't and I can't help but want to go back, not to change what happened as such but to tell the girl I was a year and a half ago that she should spend less time pretending to be happy because the illusion would shatter her heart.

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Ah well, the keys go back this weekend and perhaps closing that door on my past will open a new one for the future and maybe I'll meet a girl who doesn't hide behind a false smile, who laughs because it's funny and who loves just because. Maybe that girl will be me, just a little bit.

All Change

I haven't written lately. I've been busy. The world as I know it has changed, for the better but I am wordless because I have no idea where to start and how to not bore you with the details.

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I have moved me and my little man in with my mum and sister and though I thought it would be really hard I think its turning out to be one of the best decisions but there will be bumps, so watch this space for any possible rants.

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I am working, it was so nice getting my first wage in 8 months in my bank account. I cannot begin to explain how liberating that felt. It's not a career, just a little office job, but its mine and I love it.

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I have got to get used to having less privacy and more noise but all in all life is fine.

Arrrrrrggggg

Why don't I do things the way normal people do!!! Why do I always do everything at once!! No I'm not just moving house soon, I am moving house getting a divorce, embarking (possibly) on a new romance and starting a new job. I don't do things by half me!!!

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It was the same a few years ago, I bought a house, got married, lost my job and had a baby within about 18 months! Like I said I don't do things by half!!!

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Right now I am using this wonderful little blog as a way to not fill the hole I accidentally made in little mans room and as a way to not pack any more boxes and to not clean out anymore cupboards. Basically I am procrastinating, yes yes I know..........get on with it.

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Cheerio!!!!!

Busy Busy Bee

So hello there, just thought I'd check in, I felt I should write a post but to be honest I've not a great deal of ideas as to what to write.

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You know I hate that saying 'to be honest' and I hate all the other variations of it really such as 'in truth' or 'in all honesty' I mean really.....whenever I hear it or even when I say it (which I do) it makes me wonder if it means what the person normally says should be considered as untruthful or less than honest?? Clearly if you're pointing out the fact that this particular bit of information that you've decided to share is true (which should be a given) then what does that say about everything else you say? That its not necessarily quite as true??? Personally I'd prefer it if, whenever anyone was lying or being less than honest they would start or finish their sentence with something along the lines of 'in all dishonesty'. Wouldn't that make life a little easier?

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So I have a job now by the way, my house is nearly totally packed although I don't actually know where I'm moving to or when but there's nothing wrong with being organised is there.

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Anyway I must dash boxes to pack, house to clean and child to rear (and all that jazz)!

My ten favourite things...

I thought I'd take the opportunity to appreciate some of my favourite things so here just ten of them:
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• Waking up naturally to the noise of your home and stretching under the warm covers that smell of sleep.

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• The first cup of tea of the morning

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• When my little boy laughs in his sleep and I have to wonder what he's dreaming

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• The moment when you know he's so close to kissing you but he waits just a second and looks into your eyes and you feel your heart skip a beat

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• When you feel like crap and someone totally unexpectedly compliments you, my personal fave was when someone told me I had a heart shaped smile

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• When you take your socks off after a hot day in trainers

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• Getting all wrapped up and snuggley in your scarf, coat, hat and gloves and watching a fireworks display with your lover, I can smell it now (the fireworks not my lover)

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• The look of amazement on a child's face Christmas morning when they see the presents under the tree

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• Switching off phones, getting nibbles, drawing the curtains and snuggling up on the sofa with that special person and watching a DVD.

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• Tasting something amazing for the first time and savouring the texture in your mouth

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Today my favourite thing was when my little boy got in bed with me at about 7am and snuggled up for a story. Fabulous.

Oh and........

did I mention, I'm dating someone (sort of)................................

Ex's, stresses and disappoinments part two

So little man left his welly's with daddy on Saturday and to my surprise there was a knock knock knocking on my door last night, when I opened my shiny red front door the Ex was standing there happily waggling said welly's.

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He chatted to me as he always does about what area of his life he feels he requires some validation for. But it seemed odd, the way he was behaving and I realised its because he had brought his girlfriend along. Talk about caught off guard.

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I wasn't sure what to do at this point but in moments of distress I find myself becoming quite British and 'proper'

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"Do come in" I heard myself say "I'll make a nice cup of tea" in reality this was odd in my head I was screaming at myself WHAT THE BLOODY NORA ARE YOU DOING WOMAN!!!!!!!

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And why do we always make tea in times of stress????

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I was screaming at myself because I felt cornered but I also felt slightly detached from the scene. I did get a chance to notice a few things though. She was clearly nervous too which made me feel better (I don't claim to still be in love with my Ex but my ego will not let me believe they shouldn't feel in the least bit threatened by me, they should - because he needs more than they realise and perhaps more than any of us are capable of giving). He followed me to the kitchen while I made tea, he chose to sit on my chair and left her to sit on her own on the sofa. He then proceeded to tell stories of our shenanigans, silly things like the rare nights out we had together and the like. She mentioned their recent night out (which could have been any of them since they've been together around 6 weeks) and in all honesty I felt a little sorry for her.

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I was wonderful. I was friendly, made a great cuppa and looked fabulous to boot not to mention my phone bleeped constantly with text messages that made me seem popular. It was unexpected and I felt it was meant to make me uncomfortable so I was quietly impressed with my behaviour.

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I shan't tell my mum, she would literally blow a gasket at me inviting them in and although I almost coped perfectly with the situation there is nothing worse than someone saying "You shouldn't have done that!"

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The Ex text me today "is it alright if I come to yours for an hour this afternoon, it'll give me a chance to play with little man ... if he's there"

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I politely refused, I know a bootie call when it's text to me. Thanks but er...no thanks!!!!

Ex's, stresses and disappointments part one

I really felt a lump in my throat this weekend. Little man was staying with the Ex and I was planning on spending the weekend packing when on Saturday lunchtime I got a phone call. Apparently little man wanted to come home (of course it had nothing to do with the fact that the Ex wanted to take girlfriend number 3 out to dinner and his mum had refused to babysit as had his sister because quite frankly they believe that since he sees little man for 2 days out of 14 he's got plenty of time to rearrange things around that) Anyway I said pretty much the same thing.

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"But he's been really excited about spending the weekend with you, you haven't seen him for like 2 weeks" says me

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"Then I suppose I'll just have to put up with him be an obnoxious little brat tonight then wont I" says the Ex

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"I want to speak to my mummy" little man

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"Hello baby are you having fun??"

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"No I want to come home, please say awwright"

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"Awwright"

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Not long after that the ex arrived at my front door and little man virtually launched himself and his ear to ear smile at the sight of me out of the van door and into my arms. "I love you mummy" he whispered as he clung to me with all his might.

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As it turns out the ex moved into his girlfriends flat on the Saturday morning and yes they went out to celebrate on the Saturday evening. If only the ex realised what he's missing.

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I am so very lucky that he knew he could come back to me my little boy of colours.

Say it aint so!!

I am not entirely convinced I am normal. I have just been given the date I have to leave my property, it's the 14th October. Yeah not much time eh and no the council still haven't sorted out an alternative and yes I have spoken to the homelessness officer who has told me I have to wait till a bailiff comes to remove me which in actual fact buys me a couple of extra weeks. So you see I should be panicking, maybe crying but I'm not. I really don't feel anything at all. That's right, nothing, Nada, zilch!

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I have had the obligatory rant to my mum and best mate but that was for their benefit, so they don't go getting me sectioned or something for not being worried. I don't know why I am not worried. I think the worry, I have a multitude of to-do lists in my head about what emotion to show to who but I don't actually feel it.

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So you see, I really am not entirely convinced I am normal. Is it normal behaviour to pretend to your friends and family that you're stressing out because not stressing out isn't the normal reaction? If that's normal then I am woo-hoo, if its not then..............well quite frankly I'm in trouble!!

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Or maybe I'm just done with stressing out and worrying. Maybe I have done so much of that this year I've used most of it up??? Is that possible??

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And I still don't know how they get those little ships in the bottles.

Well Done You

So I have been reading some other blogs this evening and was deeply touched by this one particular post. It really had me catching my breath http://www.clevergirlgoesblog.com/2008/09/gray-area.html it is well written and clear in an understated way. It talks about a marriage that is no more and perhaps with hindsight should never have been even though we all know what we have done and who has been in our lives are all contributing cogs in the wheels of our lives, good and bad..

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I have been there, I am there, I wish I could be somewhere else but I'm not. I'm living it at the moment and I wonder often whether I will find that little light at the end of the tunnel, whether I am damaged goods now? whether I have too much baggage for one so young? This post is a wonderful reminder that I'm not the only person in the world and that life is big and bright and unpredictable.

My worst date experience...

So I have been thinking today about my history with dates and I have realised that so far I have been on 1 official date which I have already told you about on a previous post and 2 that were set ups. This is my dating history and I thought I'd take the opportunity to tell you about my first set up. Shall we say it was............interesting.

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The evening was nice and warm and I was looking forward to a meal at my cousins house. She's a lovely girl and I thought it would be fun, her and her boyfriend lodged at a house with another fella and so I assumed I would bump into him but nothing more crossed my mind.

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When I got there my cousin L whispered in my ear "we've invited G for dinner, we think you two will really get on well" She said it with the sparkle in her eye and a tone of voice that meant I was most definitely being set up.

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I walked in to greet G, who while seemed very nice was around 1 and a half feet shorter than me. To give him his dues he was lovely dinner conversation and while there was never any chance of the slightest romantic flicker on my part we had fun. Then it happened and it became a future anecdote and really still makes me smile.

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Myself, L and G were sitting around the circular dining table, I was facing G who had his back to the window and L was to my left at the head of the table so to speak. L looked up at the window and very slightly jumped, the lodger had come home and was just outside the kitchen window. Why is this funny?? Because G was so frightened by L's almost imperceptible jump that he literally hopped out of his chair, crouched over L's lap and grabbed her hand with his eyes squeezed shut.

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I giggled, I just couldn't help myself and then I giggled some more.

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I let it go as a blip and the lodger B came and joined us at the table. L, B and I began a lively debate on the local nightlife. I looked at G who had been unnervingly quiet since his fright. He looked at me, went grey...............................and fainted.

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It was like something from a cartoon, his whole body became almost fluid as he slid off the chair onto the floor. My date has fainted I thought. My date has actually fainted!

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I really couldn't help myself this time, I laughed, not only did I laugh but I belly laughed, not only that but I belly laughed so hard I cried. He sat on the sofa watching me as I belly laughed and cried. My date who was 4/5 feet nothing tall had passed out at the dinner table because a man was at the window and he had never even seen him. It was funny, I knew it was wrong to laugh but seriously it was funny. I calmed down and then L then carried him to bed. Yes that's right SHE carried HIM to bed and I had to laugh some more.

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A couple of days later I was in the pub when a mutual friend announced that I'd apparently slept with G.

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I corrected them of course but thought, not only would I have to protect this man at Disney Land he had also told people we'd been.......inimate.........now, i thought, there's a keeper!!!!!

Well now aint that a bitch

So as you may have guessed I have been feeling a tad sorry for myself of late, oh boo-hoo poor me and all that jazz. Well I'm fluctuating today for a couple of reasons, firstly and can I hear a little whoop whoop because guess who's got a second interview at the hospital....yes.....me....... YAY!!!

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However, both my previous employers have dilly dallied in forwarding my references which has not reflected that well but the hospital say that they can see something in me which they like (not sure I like the sound of that, but I suppose do - a bit at least - its just quite ,you know, a disturbing turn of phrase) anyway so YAY for me - there are three other candidates being called back for second interviews so I know that there's still a high probability that I wont be offered the position but hey it shows I interviewed OK even if I did bomb in the tests!

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Now here comes the fluctuation. My ex husband who is actually still legally my husband (grrrr for the slow divorce process by the way) has informed me that he can't afford maintenance such as I have been receiving up to this point (no surprise there) and that he is moving in with girlfriend number three who he has been dating since the beginning of August.

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Now I can't help it, this makes me feel sorry for myself, not because I want him back - definitely point blank NO WAY to that one, but because I do not even have a man shaped blip on my radar and it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that when I am finally with that special someone it will be a far worthier, healthier relationship but hell, I can't help being a little envious. Not of their relationship but any relationship, I feel like I should be showing him I'm wanted by a wonderful man and not turning into a withered up old prune.

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I feel a little sorry for girlfriend number three though, by all accounts she's actually a nice girl, its a shame her boyfriend continues to pester me for sex, the last excuse was that he needed closure on our relationship (he left me by the way so where does he get off asking me for closure) and this morning he was asking me if I still wanted him to kiss my neck - personally I'd rather a pot bellied pig poo'd on my foot than have that sleaze bag who has become the clone of my absent father touch me ever again, eeeew.

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Oh well he can't pretend to be something he's not forever and who am I to stand in the way of what could well be true love, someday, maybe , for them.

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Guess what, I have a second interview so up yours weasel boy!!

What the.......

Now, anyone that knows me could tell you that I am decidedly not mathematical, if I get asked a maths question I break out in a sweat and feel totally sick but even I know some basics. So I am slightly confused that I rota'd Peter Beale for a shift in the cafe that meant he was doing a 36hour day, worst yet it felt perfectly normal to do this. Yes, clearly I was dreaming this and yes the fact that I was dreaming I was working in the cafe in Eastenders was quite perturbing enough but to be so mathematically dumb even in a dream is surely a bad sign!!!

No witty or remotely interesting post title can be thought of right now

It's late and I'm tired. I am listening to squeeze in one ear and my other ear is free for sounds from the snot monster that is currently residing in the bedroom next to mine. He has been a little treasure today even though at almost four years old he has already learned the art form that is man flu!

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So far today I have had to use a toy sword to remove my debit card from a wee logged toilet bowl, clean up an entire bottle of moisturiser which apparently was used in its (almost) entirety to create a 'cool' hairdo, I have also had the pleasure of having snot wiped over me and food coughed on me. But today has been a good day and you know what? I feel happy.

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Its a simple feeling with complex consequences. My life is not picture perfect, I know this yet I feel like a failure if it couldn't be classed as such from the outside world, I worry because I don't have 'it all' (which is what exactly???), But today none of that matters because my little man is full of cold and wants his mummy and that makes it all seem better, obviously I don't mean that he's ill but that he wants me - I'm not afraid to openly admit I get a sense of pleasure out of being wanted ( although I'm lucky he's not whiny when sick just clingy) but it was him just being him that triggered this bout of happiness.

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As I previously mentioned he used almost an entire bottle of moisturiser on his hair, I was upstairs and in comes this coughing and spluttering white glob creature with snot running down his face, his favorite fleecy dinosaur pyjamas on and a smile the size of the golden gate bridge on his face.

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"Look mummy, I have cool hair" oh dear thinks me but I smile

"Now sweetie your hair is of course incredibly cool but that's cream for mummy's skin not your hair and I really need to clean you up a bit before going back down" he looks at me a little surprised and thoughtful and I think hes going to cry because I want to wash it off when up goes his hand in that worldwide now hang on a minute gesture,

"OK mummy but there's a little bit if mess downstairs, you wait here and I'll clean it" again I think oh crap but I smile and agree. a couple of minutes pass and the little white glob monster appears in my bedroom doorway legs slightly apart hands on hips and huffing and puffing like he'd gone ten rounds with Amir Khan.

"I'm sorry mummy I can't clean my mess" he says waving his hands in a clear sign of defeat and with a big sigh reluctantly admits "Its just too insensible"

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I can't help it, I should put my foot down, moan about taking other peoples belongings and making a mess and taking responsibility but I'm looking at my baby all grown yet not nearly grown up. He's covered in white gloop, wearing cutsie pj's with bright red lips and has ridiculously spiky (gloopy) hair and all I can think to do is pull him onto my bed and tickle him until he laughs so hard he farts.

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And that is why I feel happy. Because he was just himself.

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But now its late and I am exhausted and I have remembered that I forgot to change my bedding and that there's washing up in the sink still from dinner and that the laundry needs to come out of the machine and get aired or I'll only have to wash it again tomorrow morning.

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Sod it all, I'll slide in next to little man and face the rest in the morning. I feel too good to waste it now.

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Oh and I did look it up (I had to didn't I!) just in case it wasn't just his version of betten-i (I'll explain another day) and it was indeed an actual word it means:

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1.

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a. Imperceptible; inappreciable: an insensible change in temperature.
b. Very small or gradual: insensible movement.

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2.

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a. Having lost consciousness, especially temporarily; unconscious: lay insensible where he had fallen.
b. Not invested with sensation; inanimate: insensible clay.
c. Devoid of physical sensation or the power to react, as to pain or cold; numb.

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3.

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a. Unaware; unmindful: I am not insensible of your concern.
b. Not emotionally responsive; indifferent: insensible to criticism.

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4. Lacking meaning; unintelligible.

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this information was gleaned from the following: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/insensible

Are you coming????

I am feeling vague today, yes that is probably the best way of saying how I feel, vague. And I can't help it, I am lonely for man company.

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My little boy is fabulous, we have been incredibly close this week, I have been teaching him to read and he drew his first ever smiley face but still, when he's asleep and I'm alone or when I've put the phone down to C or my mother I can imagine the hand on my shoulder saying "I want you to myself".

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I can almost feel his lips against my neck, the whispered words of love in my ear and the warmth of his breath against my mouth. I am lonely for the smell of his skin after he has showered and the scent of his aftershave on his pillow.

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I can see the boots in the hall and his coat on the rack, his favorite cheese in my fridge and his mug next to mine when I make tea in the morning.

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I lay on my sofa alone, watching whatever is on and wish that I was curled into him, warmed by him, comforted by him and I am silent just enjoying being in his presence.

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I am lonely for him.

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I don't know his name yet, where he lives or what he does and I don't know when I will finally whisper the words "I love you" or when I will watch him in the dark of night as he sleeps soundly beside me.

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But I will. One day I will give all that I am to you. My very own beloved.

I am Touched Re: Hello again

I have a moment to digest what has been said. To re-read what I wrote and to feel the connection my words and your words have made.

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I realise in hearing your words that in your writing I have found my glimmer. That, in the kindness of strangers I have begun to find my feet.

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I am touched that you who do not know me, you who have taken time out of your own wonderfully colourful and diverse lives have offered me support at a time when I felt empty of my own strength. You have lifted my spirits and restored my faith in kindness. Your comforting words have been a tonic and now I know, through the kindness of strangers that I am not broken, I have not failed I am just dented and tired and that sometimes in the darkest of moments it is the simplest of things that bring hope.

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I hope that in your times of darkness someone reaches through your solitude and offers hope as you have done for me and I can only say thank you and it's not nearly enough.

Disconnection

I am having a hard time at the moment and I am shamed because of it. I know ABSOLUTELY that there are people in far more difficult situations than me. But I cannot navigate past or through this wall I seem to have suddenly come up against and quite frankly I don't know where to begin. I am stuck.

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I feel as though I am watching my life and not living it, I listen to conversations but don't feel like I hear them. I feel..................disconnected.

Love

Remembering your smile is getting harder by the day.

Your voice, your smell, your laughter are slowly fading all away.

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I rue the day you left, for that was the day my heart was broken.

This gold band as memory of a marriage seems such a worthless little token

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The years of love are priceless but now they just seem so bittersweet.

Happy memories of us together fight hard against the pain my heart now beats

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Its goodbye for now my darling, I wish it wasn't so hard to see your face.

For a pleasant rest of my life could never take your place.

Horribly horribly bad

So that is exactly how my interview went. Horribly, horribly bad! I got there on time, looked good, was perky, clever and articulate in my interview then I had 15 minutes to do a typing test and 2 written tests and I became incredibly nervous and lost all concentration. There is no way on earth that I got that job!

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I am trying to see it as a learning experience, it was my first interview in years so I always knew it was going to be the most nerve racking but I wasn't prepared for the tests and it showed. At least I got on the bus and had an hour to wind down before collecting J from nursery. Or so I thought.

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You may remember me telling you in a previous post that I have a face that invites confidences. My friends joke that when I go out I attract all the people going through a relationship meltdown or with medical problems. Yesterdays bus journey home was no different.

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Being a single straight woman with a high but long unsatisfied sex drive I can't help but notice attractive men. So I was rather glad when I saw a rather attractive man sitting at the back of the bus (the only seats apart from those for the elderly or disabled at the front) where my legs aren't crushed. Then it happened, he spoke and ruined my illusion.

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I know his daughter Sofia is 4 years old, he met his wife Claire in 1995 and they married in 1998, unfortunately when they moved to Wales his wife constantly went to her mother to talk through any marital problems and his mother in law constantly asked him what his problem was. They decided to separate and get a divorce 4 months ago, 6 weeks after which he met a lady called Susan while he was out on a bike ride, she was giving him the eye and they spent the afternoon and evening together and 2 weeks later they became an official couple, she has 2 daughters 9 and 8 years old and Belinda, the oldest is a bit too cheeky and likes to swear at him and tell him where to go but Susan is quite good and she tells her daughter off. Claire has blocked him from seeing his little girl and since he is currently not working he is refusing to give any money for the girl until such a time as he regains access. His brother has been quite friendly and let him stay at his home for 10 days but never paid him when he said he would after taking him to work for several days and his sister-in-law refused to allow him to speak to the babysitter because he is only trying to get in every girls knickers. They each have an allotment, he dug theirs over for them but he has had his for at least a year longer than them. He plans to move in with Susan but first he actually has to get to know her kids so he's taking them to pizza hut on Saturday with his crisis loan, he called them and applied for it at 11.20 am on Tuesday and still hadn't heard from them by the time we'd met. He had stayed with his mum for a few days, she is his mum after all and was happy to have him but his sister called and said he was out of order so he told his sister where to go. He didn't want to argue and it's his nephews birthday this weekend he wont be putting any money in the card. He sent his friend an email yesterday morning and hopes he gets it. His mum and brother live in Norwich and he is moving to a small town in Suffolk in 2 weeks when he gets a room in one of these halfway houses. He is waiting for a call from his friend in Norfolk who probably hasn't returned his call because he's on shift work but he knows he'll call him soon. His wife packed all his stuff but never packed any of his coats so the terrible rain we've had has been really hard for him, he's hoping to buy a new coat with his crisis loan, his 2 hoodie's are just not enough! Oh and did I mention he is hoping to take his new girlfriend to York soon, he's still got his York card and hopes it still works!

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I'm sorry for the constant flow and terrible grammar but that is exactly how he said it. Now of course the names and such have been changed but no word of a lie he can't have breathed through this whole conversation! So it just goes to show, you can't judge a book by its cover. And no, he never told me his name.

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At least I couldn't dwell on the interview!

Interviews are horrible

So I am having a busy week really, I have two, yes that's two interviews. The first is at 9am tomorrow and the next is at 3pm on Friday. It would be an understatement to say I'm nervous. excuse my french but I am FUCKING SHITTING it!!!

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I have a horrible feeling that I am going to leave the house with toothpaste around my mouth, barely brushed hair which is then likely to be rained on. I then have to get the bus for around an hour. 1 whole hour where I guess I will be sat next to the grossest smelling man on the face of the planet whose ghastly stink lingers on me so that when I shake hands with the panel they screw their faces up in a barely perceptible eeeeewww. Then and only then will I realise I have put my nickers on outside my trousers and have a large bogie hanging from my nose just to contrast with the dried crusty weet-a-bix my little boy would have wiped down my blouse.

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Should be good.

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The thing is I know in my logical self that none of this is ever likely to happen except perhaps the weet-a-bix part which is highly avoidable if I give him toast. Unfortunately, my unreasonable and slightly over imaginative self seems to be ruling the roost at this very moment. So as a purging tactic I have decided to tell you guys. Its daunting this job hunting thing you know.

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I have only been out of work for 7 months but I am terrified. You see I want to go back to work. Not only is it financially beneficial but I want it - deep in my gut I ache to go back to work.

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I am off now for a little R and R before bed. Blade Trinity should do the trick!

To share or not to share!

So I have located some of my little erm 'odes' and thought I may occassionally share them with you. Please accept my apologies if any of it is remotely offensive, they are not intended to be but sometimes even unintentionally the nicest person can be offensive.
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The one I'm sharing with you today was written when I was heavily pregnant and I had watched far too much daytime telly and this was mostly inspired by Jerry springer and the like of course nothing was directly taken as material for this poem and the thoughts and opinions are all my own.
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NORMALITY
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Mr thomas lets get this right, you're on my couch or therepy? You've had it with your family and their abnormailities.
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Your young pregnant wife that saucy minx, is already twice a teenage mother. She had your fathers baby, is he your stepson or your brother?
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Your mum was a closet lesbian and had an affair with your teacher. Your aunties name is Richard and he's the towns respected preacher.
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Your brother is a junkie and the pimping king's his man. He sells himself to feed his habit and scrape together what he can.
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Grandad was a serial killer, who killed then raped his prey, you saw him shagging rigamortis and he's stuck there till this day
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Your sisters are disorder queens, ones called little ones called large. The small one wears cindy's clothes and the other sank a barge.
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Granny on your mothers side, swings rather than swoons, She lends pops to Mrs Murray and borrows Mr Murray's prunes!
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So what Mr Thomas ........do you think you've got it bad?You're family's eccentric.....my life now that is sad!
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I grew up in an orphanage, but my fathers names Rod THOMAS, I had sex with a pimps junkie lover so the pimp bit off my bollocks.
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My wife had an affair - with a pupils motherso I slept with a saucy minx and now she's up the duffer!
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My priests name is Richard, but she hasn't got mens bits
I once put my hand up his robe and even felt his tits!
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Nobody knows what goes on in a family once they've closed the doorsTherapy's over say 'thank you master' and now get on all fours!

Hello again

Well I haven't blogged for a wee bit (as you have probably noticed). There's no real reason except that I simply haven't felt the desire to do so. I am not writing to get noticed or for comments I write this because it is something I enjoy doing and it's something that makes me feel replete once done. I'd liken it to going out for a lovely meal when you are hungry and in good company. Thoroughly enjoyable and incredibly relaxing. However, it is always easier to write when I feel as though I have something worth saying and right about now I feel like I don't. Maybe its because I feel as though I have so many balls in the air or well just whatever but I haven't had the inclination to write anything. But now I do so here goes.

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As those of you (well the one reader that I occasionally have) may know My husband left me in January. We had been a couple for seven years, married for four and had a just turned three year old at the time. I wont lie, I knew we had had problems since our son was born (our baby wasn't a problem but people change when they have kids and rather than growing together it was clear we were growing apart) but his walking out was a complete shock. It was January the 2nd just a week after Christmas when he sat me down and said 'I just don't love you the way a husband should' two weeks later he was living with his girlfriend. The strange thing was November and December were the best times we had had together for a couple of years, he was attentive and romantic, I cried when I opened my Christmas presents because he had bought me a book. Not just any book, it was a book I'd looked at a couple of months previously but hadn't purchased because I knew with the upcoming birthday of our son and Christmas meant that we couldn't really afford it. I was deeply touched, for the first time since we had become a couple he had really noticed me and I can only say I fell in love with him all over again at that moment. A week or so later he was gone and I was numb.

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Our little boy spent the weekend with him and came back home to me yesterday afternoon, he truly is a beautiful little boy, sensitive and funny and smart and generally very well behaved but today he has said something that makes it feel like my heart is breaking. He said.

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"I want to live with daddy"

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I want to cry, it hurts that he doesn't want me more, I know that sounds selfish and I'd never mention it to anyone else and would never mention it to him but that's one of the feelings that bubbles up inside me as he looks at me and I want to shout "why???". I feel like I am failing, that my head is barely breaking the surface of the water and I don't have any lifelines left.

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So here I am going to say it all.

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It was me that got up with you every 45 minutes from the day you were born till you were 2 and a half and it is me that gets up with you every night since your dad left because you have bad dreams. Its me that crawls into bed with you when you're crying and lays there with you wrapped in my arms until your little body grows heavy with sleep because you know I am there and you are safe.

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I am the one who knows the name of your teachers and of your best friend, I saw you take your first steps and heard you whisper your first word. I know that you like to have the bathroom light on if you are struggling to sleep and that you have three Teddy's that make you feel safe and that one of them goes everywhere with you, I love bear too.

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I was the one who saw you ride your bicycle for the first time with a lump in my throat and an incredible sense of pride at the look of aceivement on your face. I hugged you tight and soothed you while your body was racked with sobs because I had had to tell you daddy didn't live with us anymore. It is me that tells you I love you when you shout at me because you believe it was me that sent daddy away and it is me that doesn't have the heart to tell you he left us because I can't bear the thought of being the one to make you lose faith in your hero.

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I know you don't like melon or quiche but love cucumber, peppers and onion that you like mushrooms when in a red sauce but you dont like the way they look when they are cooked on their own and are grey and you simply wont eat them like that. Its me that knows that when you feel poorly you like to watch a DVD with your snugly pj's on and a beaker of tea. Its me that sleeps with your pillow on my bed when you stay at your daddy's house because I miss you so terribly and its me that is trying to work out how to provide you with the best possible life.

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Its me that draws pictures with you and pretends to be a race car or a power ranger or a break dancer with you when you're bored, or dances around the lounge with you listening to your favorite song because seeing you laugh makes me laugh and its me that sits on the side of your bed watching you sleep just because I am so incredibly awed by how wonderful you are.

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I am the one who drys your tears, heals your cuts and laughs when you do something you think is funny even if its not.

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Its not me that doesn't want to see you in the week because its too time consuming its not me that needed to be told what your favorite foods are or what size feet you have. It wasn't me that moved 3 new girlfriends into your life and then had them walk away from you without so much as a backward glance. It's not me that has decided to stop child maintenance or ignores your phone calls. Its not me that would shout and swear so much you would shake and cry with fear until you fell asleep.

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It is me who writes these things down because I don't ever want to use you as a weapon, it is me that takes the blame and comforts your cries because you are too little to be hurt so deeply by someone. It is me that puts a smile on her face when you say you want to live with daddy and promises you can ring him when he's finished work so that you don't miss him quite so much. Its me that loves you unconditionally and will always be proud of the wonderful person you are becoming and who will be here when finally you discover that not everyone sees the world the way you do.

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It wasn't me that left.

Bad Dreams and Birthdays

So I have had an......interesting week and I'm feeling a bit soft with all that has been going on.

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I have really been trying to hold it all together since my husband walked out on us in January and one of the things I have been desperate to hold on to was our home. We rented privately and in a quite backwards and perverse way I was told that I would only keep it if I left my job and the local council paid my rent. I hated the thought but I looked at my son and thought 'I can't disrupt him anymore' so I quit my job and after four months of excruciating money worries it was agreed that the council would pay and we could stay here. I was thrilled, we love this house.

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Wednesday of this week I was handed my notice on the property, unfortunately for me while the council had been umming and arring on the decision to pay I was served an eviction notice, once they agreed however it was verbally confirmed that we could stay. Sadly it would seem that the landlord has experienced some financial difficulties in this 'credit crunch' and is using the fact that he never officially retracted the notice of eviction to apply for an accelerated court ordered eviction. So I am now begging the local authority for housing, who knows what I will get.

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I'm terrified of what will happen, I know we would be far more secure in council property and as I am intending to go back to work the rent will be cheaper so this could be a positive couldn't it? I thought I was finally becoming a stronger person, looking at the positives, finding that silver lining. Then it happened, I dropped my iPod down the toilet. I cried, I cried like a baby and I didn't stop until my body, wracked with sobs, slumped in the downstairs loo simply didn't have the energy to continue. Maybe it was deferred sadness but all I know is that I love my iPod and it upset me terribly.

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I am terrified, I can't tell the people close to me how frightened I am because they are all struggling with their own issues but I am incredibly scared, am I a terrible mother? Why can't I fix this? Why can't I learn how to just do better? I thought I was doing OK, am I deluded?

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The reality is that I know we will be OK, that I will make this situation work for us because my son is the light of my life and deserves a home and a happy mummy. But I have also started to have nightmares which is a sure sign that I am finding things overwhelming.

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Last night I dreamt that my little boy fell into the Thames and was washed away, I jumped in and could almost reach him but we were both drowning and I couldn't stop it. It was the worst nightmare I have ever had and I am concerned that I am figuratively drowning in this mess. All I can do is look on the bright side and know that at least a new home will be a place to build new memories and at the end of the day we will have a home, together.

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I'm also feeling quite reminiscent. My little sister was born when I was fourteen and I can remember all of her significant moments. She will be twelve tomorrow and that seems so huge. I wanted to buy everything I could find. She spends a lot of time with me and we are incredibly close as she is with my son. I couldn't afford to get her a present though and so I pawned the first ring my soon to be ex-husband ever bought for me just over seven years ago. It was a big moment for me, kind of symbolic of putting the past behind me. I feel like I have been asleep for so long and now I am waking to pandemonium and confusion. In the strangest, overwhelming way I feel invigorated and alive, terrified, incredibly inadequate but alive.

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Here's hoping that I can find the resources to focus on the solutions and not be overwhelmed by the situations I find myself in. Surely loving him enough to do what is right by him is what makes me a good mother?

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Ah, birthdays and bad dreams are going to be the making of me.

Busy Busy Busy

So I apologise, I did say I would post again Sunday but I was just so busy I never got the chance.

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Saturday night was fabulous I had a whale of a time, I danced and laughed more than I have done in a long time and I had a small flirtation which was very nice in itself. And the best thing? I didn't pretend to be like my friend I just thought about the girl I used to be before my ex. Bubbly, fun loving and cheeky and decided to incorporate a little of her into the newer wiser me. I never even had to buy myself a drink. It was just an all round fab night.

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So on a lot of the other blogs I've been reading they've been doing a FINISHING SENTENCES thing and I thought, what the hey so here I go......

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1. My uncle once: Sellotaped my cousin to a lamppost while sitting on a chair and left her in the middle of the green in front of the house for a while because, well just because our family often did strange things like that.

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2. Never in my life have I: Seen Buckingham Palace, terrible I know but sadly true.

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3. When I was five: Some Jehovah witnesses knocked at the door and when my mum told us to be quiet I panicked and shouted those immortal words "The Germans are coming, the Germans are coming" in a rather odd Liverpudlian accent before jumping to the floor in a most dramatic way.

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4. High school was: where I kissed a boy who tasted like raw sausages, now whenever I buy or cook sausages I can't help but think of Elliot.

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5. I will never forget: My aunties phone number from when she lived in Surrey when I was about 7, I remembered it in the form of a little tune and can recite it to this day.

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6. Once I met: An old lady on a bus who, while eating a portion of chips she'd smuggled on proceeded to tell me all about her skin condition which caused terrible flaking at all times, even while she was talking to me she must have shed a bucket load apparently. The scary thing is this is actually not an unusual occurrence, I seem to have a face that says hey - I like to know all of your problems and any strange body things you may have. You'd be surprised at the things I know.

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7. There’s this girl I know: and she has the shortest fingers I have ever seen, she is lovely and we have a proper laugh but I just can't help but look at her fingers.

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8. Once, at a bar: I went up to a gorgeous man and said "My friend said she kissed you the other week" at which point he looked over and somewhat confused said "did I? I don't remember, I don't think I did", I paused for a moment, let him look deep into my eyes and said "that's a shame as, if you had, its my job to personally mark you out of 10" he gave me a wicked grin and snogged my face off. I gave him an 8.

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9. By noon, I’m usually: Walking my son home from school and wondering why he insists on picking up every stick he sees shouting, "look mummy it's a stick"

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10. Last night: I had a horrible nightmare about a demon, my ex husband a dog and the supermarket.

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11. If only I had: enough money to buy a house, or enough talent in something to earn that kind of cash.

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12. Next time I go to church: I'll be either at a funeral or at someone else's wedding.

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13. What worries me most: Is that I'll never be truly loved and that I'll be unable to provide a good life for my son

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14. When I turn my head left I see: The wall.

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15. When I turn my head right I see: My son and my sister eating breakfast on the sofa.

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16. You know I’m lying when: I say, Oh sorry that was a lie, I don't know why I said that.

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17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: Is the quality of the children's TV programmes.

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18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Viola because she's a mess and I like that.

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19. By this time next year: I want to be a better version of me.

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20. A better name for me would be: There isn't one, Amy suits me down to the ground.

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21. I have a hard time: feeling comfortable around people.

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22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: Probably have a panic attack, I was diagnosed with Scolionophobia - a fear of school when I was 14 and subsequently de-registered and put on a course of Prozac. Although I would love to go back and get all my qualifications.

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23. You know I like you if: I spend a lot of time with you and say I really bloomin like you.

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24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: My family of course.

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25. Take my advice, never: Trust a greedy sheep. (That was something my brother said when he was he was 15 and I was 11, its been sound advice so far)

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26. My ideal breakfast is: Croissants, jams, coffee, tea, ham, eggs and so on and so forth.

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27. A song I love but do not have is: Oooh Devilgate Drive by Suzie Quatro.

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28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: Come with me to the pub, we like fresh blood.

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29. Why won’t people: not touch my bum, I mean not everyone does and I should probably say something that would mean we had world peace but I really really hate people touching my bum.

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30. If you spend a night at my house: I'll forget to offer you anything to drink.

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31. I’d stop my wedding for: a missing groom???

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32. The world could do without: road rage.

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33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat it.

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34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: My best friend C, she's funny, smart and totally nuts and probably knows me a bit better than anyone else in this world.

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35. Paper clips are more useful than: miniature sculptures.

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36. If I do anything well it’s: laugh.

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37. I can’t help but: laugh when someone falls over.

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38. I usually cry: if I hear my friends get choked up, at sad stuff on TV and soppy movies. If I laugh a lot, If i'm really excited......oh so pretty much anything then.

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39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: Remember that every day is a new day.

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40. And by the way: I like cheese, marmite and sweetcorn toasties mmmmmmm yummy yum yum.

I thought I would

So I thought I'd just pop a little post on here because I could. No real reason I just fancied it.

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I'm in the middle of a little tipple so that may explain it. Why do people tell me that drunk dialling is not good when I don't do it yet nobody tells me drunk blogging is a bad thing. You may realise just how bad at about 3 tomorrow morning! I should apologise now just in case. Very many Sorries.

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Well I'm just waiting for my friend Jamie to pick me up, its chucking it down and I don't fancy walking in this. We are off out this evening, I'd tell you its somewhere exciting but its not, I'd like to tell you I'm going somewhere like a comedy club or a concert but I'm not. I'm going to my local pub where I don't have to ask for a drink, I simply go to the bar with my empty glass and they pour and charge. It's not that I'm a big drinker but when I go out I generally go there and I'm a nice person. People talk to me and get to know me and the fact that I'm something like 6 ft 1 or maybe 2 means that people generally remember me. In fact my nick name is big bird.

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Anyway I'm sorry I'm babbling on a bit like a big babbly thing but I really felt the urge to talk to you, one sided though it may be.

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There's something you should know about me, I'm not a naturally confident person. Oh, you already guessed that did you, well the reason I'm telling you is because I am doing an experiment tonight. My friend C is supremely confident so I am going to think to myself 'what would C say/do in this situation' and if it is within reason I shall do it. This is simply to see if I have a completely different night to normal so anyway I'm telling you this because I will inform you at some stage tomorrow of exactly what happened.

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So that's it really, the end of this odd babbling post and I thank you all and wish you a fabulous weekend.

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Oh and just for your information, when I spell checked the post it had more errors and typos than any other I've ever done before....ah the dangers of drunk blogging!!!!