It's hard being this optimistic all the time so I hope you'll forgive me when I say I feel like poo today. Only because I have been at my old house cleaning and sorting and seeing all the rooms naked (the rooms not me, that would just be odd) has made me feel a little sad for the girl I was when we moved in there as a family of three. Not enough to make me cry, although the tears do keep threatening but enough to make me feel nostalgic, the girl back then was hopeful, naive and oblivious to a lot. Somehow though I know I was less self sufficient, less independant and less everything (except heavy, I am definitely less heavy now) I also have a small sense of longing for those feelings.
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I truly felt that things would work out. They didn't and I can't help but want to go back, not to change what happened as such but to tell the girl I was a year and a half ago that she should spend less time pretending to be happy because the illusion would shatter her heart.
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Ah well, the keys go back this weekend and perhaps closing that door on my past will open a new one for the future and maybe I'll meet a girl who doesn't hide behind a false smile, who laughs because it's funny and who loves just because. Maybe that girl will be me, just a little bit.
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