Bad Dreams and Birthdays

So I have had an......interesting week and I'm feeling a bit soft with all that has been going on.

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I have really been trying to hold it all together since my husband walked out on us in January and one of the things I have been desperate to hold on to was our home. We rented privately and in a quite backwards and perverse way I was told that I would only keep it if I left my job and the local council paid my rent. I hated the thought but I looked at my son and thought 'I can't disrupt him anymore' so I quit my job and after four months of excruciating money worries it was agreed that the council would pay and we could stay here. I was thrilled, we love this house.

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Wednesday of this week I was handed my notice on the property, unfortunately for me while the council had been umming and arring on the decision to pay I was served an eviction notice, once they agreed however it was verbally confirmed that we could stay. Sadly it would seem that the landlord has experienced some financial difficulties in this 'credit crunch' and is using the fact that he never officially retracted the notice of eviction to apply for an accelerated court ordered eviction. So I am now begging the local authority for housing, who knows what I will get.

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I'm terrified of what will happen, I know we would be far more secure in council property and as I am intending to go back to work the rent will be cheaper so this could be a positive couldn't it? I thought I was finally becoming a stronger person, looking at the positives, finding that silver lining. Then it happened, I dropped my iPod down the toilet. I cried, I cried like a baby and I didn't stop until my body, wracked with sobs, slumped in the downstairs loo simply didn't have the energy to continue. Maybe it was deferred sadness but all I know is that I love my iPod and it upset me terribly.

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I am terrified, I can't tell the people close to me how frightened I am because they are all struggling with their own issues but I am incredibly scared, am I a terrible mother? Why can't I fix this? Why can't I learn how to just do better? I thought I was doing OK, am I deluded?

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The reality is that I know we will be OK, that I will make this situation work for us because my son is the light of my life and deserves a home and a happy mummy. But I have also started to have nightmares which is a sure sign that I am finding things overwhelming.

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Last night I dreamt that my little boy fell into the Thames and was washed away, I jumped in and could almost reach him but we were both drowning and I couldn't stop it. It was the worst nightmare I have ever had and I am concerned that I am figuratively drowning in this mess. All I can do is look on the bright side and know that at least a new home will be a place to build new memories and at the end of the day we will have a home, together.

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I'm also feeling quite reminiscent. My little sister was born when I was fourteen and I can remember all of her significant moments. She will be twelve tomorrow and that seems so huge. I wanted to buy everything I could find. She spends a lot of time with me and we are incredibly close as she is with my son. I couldn't afford to get her a present though and so I pawned the first ring my soon to be ex-husband ever bought for me just over seven years ago. It was a big moment for me, kind of symbolic of putting the past behind me. I feel like I have been asleep for so long and now I am waking to pandemonium and confusion. In the strangest, overwhelming way I feel invigorated and alive, terrified, incredibly inadequate but alive.

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Here's hoping that I can find the resources to focus on the solutions and not be overwhelmed by the situations I find myself in. Surely loving him enough to do what is right by him is what makes me a good mother?

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Ah, birthdays and bad dreams are going to be the making of me.