Monday 8 September 2008

Hello again

Well I haven't blogged for a wee bit (as you have probably noticed). There's no real reason except that I simply haven't felt the desire to do so. I am not writing to get noticed or for comments I write this because it is something I enjoy doing and it's something that makes me feel replete once done. I'd liken it to going out for a lovely meal when you are hungry and in good company. Thoroughly enjoyable and incredibly relaxing. However, it is always easier to write when I feel as though I have something worth saying and right about now I feel like I don't. Maybe its because I feel as though I have so many balls in the air or well just whatever but I haven't had the inclination to write anything. But now I do so here goes.
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As those of you (well the one reader that I occasionally have) may know My husband left me in January. We had been a couple for seven years, married for four and had a just turned three year old at the time. I wont lie, I knew we had had problems since our son was born (our baby wasn't a problem but people change when they have kids and rather than growing together it was clear we were growing apart) but his walking out was a complete shock. It was January the 2nd just a week after Christmas when he sat me down and said 'I just don't love you the way a husband should' two weeks later he was living with his girlfriend. The strange thing was November and December were the best times we had had together for a couple of years, he was attentive and romantic, I cried when I opened my Christmas presents because he had bought me a book. Not just any book, it was a book I'd looked at a couple of months previously but hadn't purchased because I knew with the upcoming birthday of our son and Christmas meant that we couldn't really afford it. I was deeply touched, for the first time since we had become a couple he had really noticed me and I can only say I fell in love with him all over again at that moment. A week or so later he was gone and I was numb.
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Our little boy spent the weekend with him and came back home to me yesterday afternoon, he truly is a beautiful little boy, sensitive and funny and smart and generally very well behaved but today he has said something that makes it feel like my heart is breaking. He said.
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"I want to live with daddy"
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I want to cry, it hurts that he doesn't want me more, I know that sounds selfish and I'd never mention it to anyone else and would never mention it to him but that's one of the feelings that bubbles up inside me as he looks at me and I want to shout "why???". I feel like I am failing, that my head is barely breaking the surface of the water and I don't have any lifelines left.
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So here I am going to say it all.
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It was me that got up with you every 45 minutes from the day you were born till you were 2 and a half and it is me that gets up with you every night since your dad left because you have bad dreams. Its me that crawls into bed with you when you're crying and lays there with you wrapped in my arms until your little body grows heavy with sleep because you know I am there and you are safe.
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I am the one who knows the name of your teachers and of your best friend, I saw you take your first steps and heard you whisper your first word. I know that you like to have the bathroom light on if you are struggling to sleep and that you have three Teddy's that make you feel safe and that one of them goes everywhere with you, I love bear too.
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I was the one who saw you ride your bicycle for the first time with a lump in my throat and an incredible sense of pride at the look of aceivement on your face. I hugged you tight and soothed you while your body was racked with sobs because I had had to tell you daddy didn't live with us anymore. It is me that tells you I love you when you shout at me because you believe it was me that sent daddy away and it is me that doesn't have the heart to tell you he left us because I can't bear the thought of being the one to make you lose faith in your hero.
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I know you don't like melon or quiche but love cucumber, peppers and onion that you like mushrooms when in a red sauce but you dont like the way they look when they are cooked on their own and are grey and you simply wont eat them like that. Its me that knows that when you feel poorly you like to watch a DVD with your snugly pj's on and a beaker of tea. Its me that sleeps with your pillow on my bed when you stay at your daddy's house because I miss you so terribly and its me that is trying to work out how to provide you with the best possible life.
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Its me that draws pictures with you and pretends to be a race car or a power ranger or a break dancer with you when you're bored, or dances around the lounge with you listening to your favorite song because seeing you laugh makes me laugh and its me that sits on the side of your bed watching you sleep just because I am so incredibly awed by how wonderful you are.
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I am the one who drys your tears, heals your cuts and laughs when you do something you think is funny even if its not.
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Its not me that doesn't want to see you in the week because its too time consuming its not me that needed to be told what your favorite foods are or what size feet you have. It wasn't me that moved 3 new girlfriends into your life and then had them walk away from you without so much as a backward glance. It's not me that has decided to stop child maintenance or ignores your phone calls. Its not me that would shout and swear so much you would shake and cry with fear until you fell asleep.
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It is me who writes these things down because I don't ever want to use you as a weapon, it is me that takes the blame and comforts your cries because you are too little to be hurt so deeply by someone. It is me that puts a smile on her face when you say you want to live with daddy and promises you can ring him when he's finished work so that you don't miss him quite so much. Its me that loves you unconditionally and will always be proud of the wonderful person you are becoming and who will be here when finally you discover that not everyone sees the world the way you do.
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It wasn't me that left.

8 comments:

Angela-la-la said...

Oh darling, you're not the first single mum to hear that and sadly, you won't be the last. I believe it's obligatory for children to throw stones at the heart of those trying their hardest for them.

I will tell you though that children grow, and they see the truth for themselves, and then they respect, as well as love, the parent that did right by them. Hold that thought, you're doing a great job x

AmJamJo said...

I thought of many things to write in response to your comment Angela-la-la but all of them paled against that simplest of things, the overwhelming thing I felt I must say when I read your comment.

It may be a phrase used a lot and often without thinking but sometimes the feeling behind it gives a whole new level of appreciation and I hope you know that when I say 'thank you' it truly comes from the bottom of my heart x

Anonymous said...

Hi. I don't know you and came across this via pete.nu.

I just wanted to say that was one of the most moving posts I have ever read, and if you words can move me, you'll do fine by your kid. Bad times are part of life and it hurts. But the person who wrote this post is a good person and a good parent, and that will play through.

That doesn't mean you wont stress or hurt or worry. And the words of a strange must mean little. But the person who wrote that post will have a kid who loves them. Even if right now that kid is confused.

Pam Martin said...

Hi. A friend sent this post to me. I don't have any advice, but I'd just like to say I think you have what it takes to be brave for your son, and to be a hero to him yourself. My heart goes out to you.

Honey said...

ditto.
my husband left in March, two days after I miscarried our third child at 4 months. For another woman.
My four year old wants to live with him sometimes, but I think it's just horrible for the kids they want to show their loyalty, and sometimes they want to wind us up.
The other day my neighbours kid arrived on my doorstep with her teddy (she's four too) and told me she was moving in. She told her parents I was her new mummy. They were really really upset. It's like a knife to the heart but that kid loves you and needs you and you are doingf brilliantly.
Your post is beautifully written, thank you for sharing.

Lily Lane said...

That post made my eyes prick with tears. We are so lucky to witness such deep love through your words. You and your son will come out on top, I truly believe it. All the best xx

JonnyB said...

That was really powerful. Like blogs used to be.

Mine is pretty well the same age. And sometimes, because it's the first time you start having a proper person-to-person relationship with them, with long sentences and remembering things, and imagination and jokes, you forget that, deep down, they don't really understand quite yet. They will.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I came across your post from the post of the week site. Reading this really moved me. You are clearly the strong parent here, and you'll do fine by your son.

Oh and by the way, as I was listening, I Will Survive was playing on the radio - that must means something!

Good luck with everything. x