Well Done You

So I have been reading some other blogs this evening and was deeply touched by this one particular post. It really had me catching my breath http://www.clevergirlgoesblog.com/2008/09/gray-area.html it is well written and clear in an understated way. It talks about a marriage that is no more and perhaps with hindsight should never have been even though we all know what we have done and who has been in our lives are all contributing cogs in the wheels of our lives, good and bad..

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I have been there, I am there, I wish I could be somewhere else but I'm not. I'm living it at the moment and I wonder often whether I will find that little light at the end of the tunnel, whether I am damaged goods now? whether I have too much baggage for one so young? This post is a wonderful reminder that I'm not the only person in the world and that life is big and bright and unpredictable.

My worst date experience...

So I have been thinking today about my history with dates and I have realised that so far I have been on 1 official date which I have already told you about on a previous post and 2 that were set ups. This is my dating history and I thought I'd take the opportunity to tell you about my first set up. Shall we say it was............interesting.

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The evening was nice and warm and I was looking forward to a meal at my cousins house. She's a lovely girl and I thought it would be fun, her and her boyfriend lodged at a house with another fella and so I assumed I would bump into him but nothing more crossed my mind.

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When I got there my cousin L whispered in my ear "we've invited G for dinner, we think you two will really get on well" She said it with the sparkle in her eye and a tone of voice that meant I was most definitely being set up.

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I walked in to greet G, who while seemed very nice was around 1 and a half feet shorter than me. To give him his dues he was lovely dinner conversation and while there was never any chance of the slightest romantic flicker on my part we had fun. Then it happened and it became a future anecdote and really still makes me smile.

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Myself, L and G were sitting around the circular dining table, I was facing G who had his back to the window and L was to my left at the head of the table so to speak. L looked up at the window and very slightly jumped, the lodger had come home and was just outside the kitchen window. Why is this funny?? Because G was so frightened by L's almost imperceptible jump that he literally hopped out of his chair, crouched over L's lap and grabbed her hand with his eyes squeezed shut.

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I giggled, I just couldn't help myself and then I giggled some more.

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I let it go as a blip and the lodger B came and joined us at the table. L, B and I began a lively debate on the local nightlife. I looked at G who had been unnervingly quiet since his fright. He looked at me, went grey...............................and fainted.

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It was like something from a cartoon, his whole body became almost fluid as he slid off the chair onto the floor. My date has fainted I thought. My date has actually fainted!

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I really couldn't help myself this time, I laughed, not only did I laugh but I belly laughed, not only that but I belly laughed so hard I cried. He sat on the sofa watching me as I belly laughed and cried. My date who was 4/5 feet nothing tall had passed out at the dinner table because a man was at the window and he had never even seen him. It was funny, I knew it was wrong to laugh but seriously it was funny. I calmed down and then L then carried him to bed. Yes that's right SHE carried HIM to bed and I had to laugh some more.

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A couple of days later I was in the pub when a mutual friend announced that I'd apparently slept with G.

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I corrected them of course but thought, not only would I have to protect this man at Disney Land he had also told people we'd been.......inimate.........now, i thought, there's a keeper!!!!!

Well now aint that a bitch

So as you may have guessed I have been feeling a tad sorry for myself of late, oh boo-hoo poor me and all that jazz. Well I'm fluctuating today for a couple of reasons, firstly and can I hear a little whoop whoop because guess who's got a second interview at the hospital....yes.....me....... YAY!!!

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However, both my previous employers have dilly dallied in forwarding my references which has not reflected that well but the hospital say that they can see something in me which they like (not sure I like the sound of that, but I suppose do - a bit at least - its just quite ,you know, a disturbing turn of phrase) anyway so YAY for me - there are three other candidates being called back for second interviews so I know that there's still a high probability that I wont be offered the position but hey it shows I interviewed OK even if I did bomb in the tests!

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Now here comes the fluctuation. My ex husband who is actually still legally my husband (grrrr for the slow divorce process by the way) has informed me that he can't afford maintenance such as I have been receiving up to this point (no surprise there) and that he is moving in with girlfriend number three who he has been dating since the beginning of August.

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Now I can't help it, this makes me feel sorry for myself, not because I want him back - definitely point blank NO WAY to that one, but because I do not even have a man shaped blip on my radar and it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that when I am finally with that special someone it will be a far worthier, healthier relationship but hell, I can't help being a little envious. Not of their relationship but any relationship, I feel like I should be showing him I'm wanted by a wonderful man and not turning into a withered up old prune.

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I feel a little sorry for girlfriend number three though, by all accounts she's actually a nice girl, its a shame her boyfriend continues to pester me for sex, the last excuse was that he needed closure on our relationship (he left me by the way so where does he get off asking me for closure) and this morning he was asking me if I still wanted him to kiss my neck - personally I'd rather a pot bellied pig poo'd on my foot than have that sleaze bag who has become the clone of my absent father touch me ever again, eeeew.

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Oh well he can't pretend to be something he's not forever and who am I to stand in the way of what could well be true love, someday, maybe , for them.

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Guess what, I have a second interview so up yours weasel boy!!

What the.......

Now, anyone that knows me could tell you that I am decidedly not mathematical, if I get asked a maths question I break out in a sweat and feel totally sick but even I know some basics. So I am slightly confused that I rota'd Peter Beale for a shift in the cafe that meant he was doing a 36hour day, worst yet it felt perfectly normal to do this. Yes, clearly I was dreaming this and yes the fact that I was dreaming I was working in the cafe in Eastenders was quite perturbing enough but to be so mathematically dumb even in a dream is surely a bad sign!!!

No witty or remotely interesting post title can be thought of right now

It's late and I'm tired. I am listening to squeeze in one ear and my other ear is free for sounds from the snot monster that is currently residing in the bedroom next to mine. He has been a little treasure today even though at almost four years old he has already learned the art form that is man flu!

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So far today I have had to use a toy sword to remove my debit card from a wee logged toilet bowl, clean up an entire bottle of moisturiser which apparently was used in its (almost) entirety to create a 'cool' hairdo, I have also had the pleasure of having snot wiped over me and food coughed on me. But today has been a good day and you know what? I feel happy.

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Its a simple feeling with complex consequences. My life is not picture perfect, I know this yet I feel like a failure if it couldn't be classed as such from the outside world, I worry because I don't have 'it all' (which is what exactly???), But today none of that matters because my little man is full of cold and wants his mummy and that makes it all seem better, obviously I don't mean that he's ill but that he wants me - I'm not afraid to openly admit I get a sense of pleasure out of being wanted ( although I'm lucky he's not whiny when sick just clingy) but it was him just being him that triggered this bout of happiness.

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As I previously mentioned he used almost an entire bottle of moisturiser on his hair, I was upstairs and in comes this coughing and spluttering white glob creature with snot running down his face, his favorite fleecy dinosaur pyjamas on and a smile the size of the golden gate bridge on his face.

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"Look mummy, I have cool hair" oh dear thinks me but I smile

"Now sweetie your hair is of course incredibly cool but that's cream for mummy's skin not your hair and I really need to clean you up a bit before going back down" he looks at me a little surprised and thoughtful and I think hes going to cry because I want to wash it off when up goes his hand in that worldwide now hang on a minute gesture,

"OK mummy but there's a little bit if mess downstairs, you wait here and I'll clean it" again I think oh crap but I smile and agree. a couple of minutes pass and the little white glob monster appears in my bedroom doorway legs slightly apart hands on hips and huffing and puffing like he'd gone ten rounds with Amir Khan.

"I'm sorry mummy I can't clean my mess" he says waving his hands in a clear sign of defeat and with a big sigh reluctantly admits "Its just too insensible"

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I can't help it, I should put my foot down, moan about taking other peoples belongings and making a mess and taking responsibility but I'm looking at my baby all grown yet not nearly grown up. He's covered in white gloop, wearing cutsie pj's with bright red lips and has ridiculously spiky (gloopy) hair and all I can think to do is pull him onto my bed and tickle him until he laughs so hard he farts.

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And that is why I feel happy. Because he was just himself.

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But now its late and I am exhausted and I have remembered that I forgot to change my bedding and that there's washing up in the sink still from dinner and that the laundry needs to come out of the machine and get aired or I'll only have to wash it again tomorrow morning.

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Sod it all, I'll slide in next to little man and face the rest in the morning. I feel too good to waste it now.

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Oh and I did look it up (I had to didn't I!) just in case it wasn't just his version of betten-i (I'll explain another day) and it was indeed an actual word it means:

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1.

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a. Imperceptible; inappreciable: an insensible change in temperature.
b. Very small or gradual: insensible movement.

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2.

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a. Having lost consciousness, especially temporarily; unconscious: lay insensible where he had fallen.
b. Not invested with sensation; inanimate: insensible clay.
c. Devoid of physical sensation or the power to react, as to pain or cold; numb.

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3.

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a. Unaware; unmindful: I am not insensible of your concern.
b. Not emotionally responsive; indifferent: insensible to criticism.

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4. Lacking meaning; unintelligible.

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this information was gleaned from the following: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/insensible

Are you coming????

I am feeling vague today, yes that is probably the best way of saying how I feel, vague. And I can't help it, I am lonely for man company.

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My little boy is fabulous, we have been incredibly close this week, I have been teaching him to read and he drew his first ever smiley face but still, when he's asleep and I'm alone or when I've put the phone down to C or my mother I can imagine the hand on my shoulder saying "I want you to myself".

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I can almost feel his lips against my neck, the whispered words of love in my ear and the warmth of his breath against my mouth. I am lonely for the smell of his skin after he has showered and the scent of his aftershave on his pillow.

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I can see the boots in the hall and his coat on the rack, his favorite cheese in my fridge and his mug next to mine when I make tea in the morning.

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I lay on my sofa alone, watching whatever is on and wish that I was curled into him, warmed by him, comforted by him and I am silent just enjoying being in his presence.

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I am lonely for him.

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I don't know his name yet, where he lives or what he does and I don't know when I will finally whisper the words "I love you" or when I will watch him in the dark of night as he sleeps soundly beside me.

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But I will. One day I will give all that I am to you. My very own beloved.

I am Touched Re: Hello again

I have a moment to digest what has been said. To re-read what I wrote and to feel the connection my words and your words have made.

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I realise in hearing your words that in your writing I have found my glimmer. That, in the kindness of strangers I have begun to find my feet.

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I am touched that you who do not know me, you who have taken time out of your own wonderfully colourful and diverse lives have offered me support at a time when I felt empty of my own strength. You have lifted my spirits and restored my faith in kindness. Your comforting words have been a tonic and now I know, through the kindness of strangers that I am not broken, I have not failed I am just dented and tired and that sometimes in the darkest of moments it is the simplest of things that bring hope.

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I hope that in your times of darkness someone reaches through your solitude and offers hope as you have done for me and I can only say thank you and it's not nearly enough.

Disconnection

I am having a hard time at the moment and I am shamed because of it. I know ABSOLUTELY that there are people in far more difficult situations than me. But I cannot navigate past or through this wall I seem to have suddenly come up against and quite frankly I don't know where to begin. I am stuck.

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I feel as though I am watching my life and not living it, I listen to conversations but don't feel like I hear them. I feel..................disconnected.

Love

Remembering your smile is getting harder by the day.

Your voice, your smell, your laughter are slowly fading all away.

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I rue the day you left, for that was the day my heart was broken.

This gold band as memory of a marriage seems such a worthless little token

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The years of love are priceless but now they just seem so bittersweet.

Happy memories of us together fight hard against the pain my heart now beats

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Its goodbye for now my darling, I wish it wasn't so hard to see your face.

For a pleasant rest of my life could never take your place.

Horribly horribly bad

So that is exactly how my interview went. Horribly, horribly bad! I got there on time, looked good, was perky, clever and articulate in my interview then I had 15 minutes to do a typing test and 2 written tests and I became incredibly nervous and lost all concentration. There is no way on earth that I got that job!

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I am trying to see it as a learning experience, it was my first interview in years so I always knew it was going to be the most nerve racking but I wasn't prepared for the tests and it showed. At least I got on the bus and had an hour to wind down before collecting J from nursery. Or so I thought.

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You may remember me telling you in a previous post that I have a face that invites confidences. My friends joke that when I go out I attract all the people going through a relationship meltdown or with medical problems. Yesterdays bus journey home was no different.

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Being a single straight woman with a high but long unsatisfied sex drive I can't help but notice attractive men. So I was rather glad when I saw a rather attractive man sitting at the back of the bus (the only seats apart from those for the elderly or disabled at the front) where my legs aren't crushed. Then it happened, he spoke and ruined my illusion.

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I know his daughter Sofia is 4 years old, he met his wife Claire in 1995 and they married in 1998, unfortunately when they moved to Wales his wife constantly went to her mother to talk through any marital problems and his mother in law constantly asked him what his problem was. They decided to separate and get a divorce 4 months ago, 6 weeks after which he met a lady called Susan while he was out on a bike ride, she was giving him the eye and they spent the afternoon and evening together and 2 weeks later they became an official couple, she has 2 daughters 9 and 8 years old and Belinda, the oldest is a bit too cheeky and likes to swear at him and tell him where to go but Susan is quite good and she tells her daughter off. Claire has blocked him from seeing his little girl and since he is currently not working he is refusing to give any money for the girl until such a time as he regains access. His brother has been quite friendly and let him stay at his home for 10 days but never paid him when he said he would after taking him to work for several days and his sister-in-law refused to allow him to speak to the babysitter because he is only trying to get in every girls knickers. They each have an allotment, he dug theirs over for them but he has had his for at least a year longer than them. He plans to move in with Susan but first he actually has to get to know her kids so he's taking them to pizza hut on Saturday with his crisis loan, he called them and applied for it at 11.20 am on Tuesday and still hadn't heard from them by the time we'd met. He had stayed with his mum for a few days, she is his mum after all and was happy to have him but his sister called and said he was out of order so he told his sister where to go. He didn't want to argue and it's his nephews birthday this weekend he wont be putting any money in the card. He sent his friend an email yesterday morning and hopes he gets it. His mum and brother live in Norwich and he is moving to a small town in Suffolk in 2 weeks when he gets a room in one of these halfway houses. He is waiting for a call from his friend in Norfolk who probably hasn't returned his call because he's on shift work but he knows he'll call him soon. His wife packed all his stuff but never packed any of his coats so the terrible rain we've had has been really hard for him, he's hoping to buy a new coat with his crisis loan, his 2 hoodie's are just not enough! Oh and did I mention he is hoping to take his new girlfriend to York soon, he's still got his York card and hopes it still works!

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I'm sorry for the constant flow and terrible grammar but that is exactly how he said it. Now of course the names and such have been changed but no word of a lie he can't have breathed through this whole conversation! So it just goes to show, you can't judge a book by its cover. And no, he never told me his name.

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At least I couldn't dwell on the interview!

Interviews are horrible

So I am having a busy week really, I have two, yes that's two interviews. The first is at 9am tomorrow and the next is at 3pm on Friday. It would be an understatement to say I'm nervous. excuse my french but I am FUCKING SHITTING it!!!

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I have a horrible feeling that I am going to leave the house with toothpaste around my mouth, barely brushed hair which is then likely to be rained on. I then have to get the bus for around an hour. 1 whole hour where I guess I will be sat next to the grossest smelling man on the face of the planet whose ghastly stink lingers on me so that when I shake hands with the panel they screw their faces up in a barely perceptible eeeeewww. Then and only then will I realise I have put my nickers on outside my trousers and have a large bogie hanging from my nose just to contrast with the dried crusty weet-a-bix my little boy would have wiped down my blouse.

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Should be good.

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The thing is I know in my logical self that none of this is ever likely to happen except perhaps the weet-a-bix part which is highly avoidable if I give him toast. Unfortunately, my unreasonable and slightly over imaginative self seems to be ruling the roost at this very moment. So as a purging tactic I have decided to tell you guys. Its daunting this job hunting thing you know.

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I have only been out of work for 7 months but I am terrified. You see I want to go back to work. Not only is it financially beneficial but I want it - deep in my gut I ache to go back to work.

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I am off now for a little R and R before bed. Blade Trinity should do the trick!

To share or not to share!

So I have located some of my little erm 'odes' and thought I may occassionally share them with you. Please accept my apologies if any of it is remotely offensive, they are not intended to be but sometimes even unintentionally the nicest person can be offensive.
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The one I'm sharing with you today was written when I was heavily pregnant and I had watched far too much daytime telly and this was mostly inspired by Jerry springer and the like of course nothing was directly taken as material for this poem and the thoughts and opinions are all my own.
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NORMALITY
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Mr thomas lets get this right, you're on my couch or therepy? You've had it with your family and their abnormailities.
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Your young pregnant wife that saucy minx, is already twice a teenage mother. She had your fathers baby, is he your stepson or your brother?
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Your mum was a closet lesbian and had an affair with your teacher. Your aunties name is Richard and he's the towns respected preacher.
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Your brother is a junkie and the pimping king's his man. He sells himself to feed his habit and scrape together what he can.
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Grandad was a serial killer, who killed then raped his prey, you saw him shagging rigamortis and he's stuck there till this day
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Your sisters are disorder queens, ones called little ones called large. The small one wears cindy's clothes and the other sank a barge.
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Granny on your mothers side, swings rather than swoons, She lends pops to Mrs Murray and borrows Mr Murray's prunes!
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So what Mr Thomas ........do you think you've got it bad?You're family's eccentric.....my life now that is sad!
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I grew up in an orphanage, but my fathers names Rod THOMAS, I had sex with a pimps junkie lover so the pimp bit off my bollocks.
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My wife had an affair - with a pupils motherso I slept with a saucy minx and now she's up the duffer!
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My priests name is Richard, but she hasn't got mens bits
I once put my hand up his robe and even felt his tits!
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Nobody knows what goes on in a family once they've closed the doorsTherapy's over say 'thank you master' and now get on all fours!

Hello again

Well I haven't blogged for a wee bit (as you have probably noticed). There's no real reason except that I simply haven't felt the desire to do so. I am not writing to get noticed or for comments I write this because it is something I enjoy doing and it's something that makes me feel replete once done. I'd liken it to going out for a lovely meal when you are hungry and in good company. Thoroughly enjoyable and incredibly relaxing. However, it is always easier to write when I feel as though I have something worth saying and right about now I feel like I don't. Maybe its because I feel as though I have so many balls in the air or well just whatever but I haven't had the inclination to write anything. But now I do so here goes.

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As those of you (well the one reader that I occasionally have) may know My husband left me in January. We had been a couple for seven years, married for four and had a just turned three year old at the time. I wont lie, I knew we had had problems since our son was born (our baby wasn't a problem but people change when they have kids and rather than growing together it was clear we were growing apart) but his walking out was a complete shock. It was January the 2nd just a week after Christmas when he sat me down and said 'I just don't love you the way a husband should' two weeks later he was living with his girlfriend. The strange thing was November and December were the best times we had had together for a couple of years, he was attentive and romantic, I cried when I opened my Christmas presents because he had bought me a book. Not just any book, it was a book I'd looked at a couple of months previously but hadn't purchased because I knew with the upcoming birthday of our son and Christmas meant that we couldn't really afford it. I was deeply touched, for the first time since we had become a couple he had really noticed me and I can only say I fell in love with him all over again at that moment. A week or so later he was gone and I was numb.

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Our little boy spent the weekend with him and came back home to me yesterday afternoon, he truly is a beautiful little boy, sensitive and funny and smart and generally very well behaved but today he has said something that makes it feel like my heart is breaking. He said.

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"I want to live with daddy"

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I want to cry, it hurts that he doesn't want me more, I know that sounds selfish and I'd never mention it to anyone else and would never mention it to him but that's one of the feelings that bubbles up inside me as he looks at me and I want to shout "why???". I feel like I am failing, that my head is barely breaking the surface of the water and I don't have any lifelines left.

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So here I am going to say it all.

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It was me that got up with you every 45 minutes from the day you were born till you were 2 and a half and it is me that gets up with you every night since your dad left because you have bad dreams. Its me that crawls into bed with you when you're crying and lays there with you wrapped in my arms until your little body grows heavy with sleep because you know I am there and you are safe.

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I am the one who knows the name of your teachers and of your best friend, I saw you take your first steps and heard you whisper your first word. I know that you like to have the bathroom light on if you are struggling to sleep and that you have three Teddy's that make you feel safe and that one of them goes everywhere with you, I love bear too.

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I was the one who saw you ride your bicycle for the first time with a lump in my throat and an incredible sense of pride at the look of aceivement on your face. I hugged you tight and soothed you while your body was racked with sobs because I had had to tell you daddy didn't live with us anymore. It is me that tells you I love you when you shout at me because you believe it was me that sent daddy away and it is me that doesn't have the heart to tell you he left us because I can't bear the thought of being the one to make you lose faith in your hero.

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I know you don't like melon or quiche but love cucumber, peppers and onion that you like mushrooms when in a red sauce but you dont like the way they look when they are cooked on their own and are grey and you simply wont eat them like that. Its me that knows that when you feel poorly you like to watch a DVD with your snugly pj's on and a beaker of tea. Its me that sleeps with your pillow on my bed when you stay at your daddy's house because I miss you so terribly and its me that is trying to work out how to provide you with the best possible life.

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Its me that draws pictures with you and pretends to be a race car or a power ranger or a break dancer with you when you're bored, or dances around the lounge with you listening to your favorite song because seeing you laugh makes me laugh and its me that sits on the side of your bed watching you sleep just because I am so incredibly awed by how wonderful you are.

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I am the one who drys your tears, heals your cuts and laughs when you do something you think is funny even if its not.

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Its not me that doesn't want to see you in the week because its too time consuming its not me that needed to be told what your favorite foods are or what size feet you have. It wasn't me that moved 3 new girlfriends into your life and then had them walk away from you without so much as a backward glance. It's not me that has decided to stop child maintenance or ignores your phone calls. Its not me that would shout and swear so much you would shake and cry with fear until you fell asleep.

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It is me who writes these things down because I don't ever want to use you as a weapon, it is me that takes the blame and comforts your cries because you are too little to be hurt so deeply by someone. It is me that puts a smile on her face when you say you want to live with daddy and promises you can ring him when he's finished work so that you don't miss him quite so much. Its me that loves you unconditionally and will always be proud of the wonderful person you are becoming and who will be here when finally you discover that not everyone sees the world the way you do.

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It wasn't me that left.