So I am the first one to tell you how incredibly proud I am of my big brother but I am also the first to admit that I am also incredibly envious. I see what he has and I want some of it myself. I know its a negative emotion yada yada yada and people don't admit to being envious any more as it's just not fashionable. I am not afraid to say that I am envious and that I feel like I have failed in my life. When I look to my brother who is my hero I can't help thinking that I wish I was more like him.
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It's not that I want his life I just want to feel that I am as successful within certain aspects of my life as he is in his and yes I am profoundly happy for him, I just want to be that happy for me too.
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He is very successful, my god he works hard for it but he is successful, he knew what he wanted to do from an early age and has continued to work for it. By my age he was well established in his career and 4 years on he is what I consider to be extremely successful. I want this in my life, I am very loyal and hardworking but I fell into a subservient relationship got married and had a baby and when I did go back to work I was constantly pressurised to leave.
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So it was easy for me to use that excuse to never follow my dreams. It was someone elses fault. The good thing is I now know I want to work in publishing starting at the bottom and building myself up. The bad news is now I am a single mum on benefits and I have no idea where to start - anyone fancy giving me a job in publishing where I need no experience and earn at least £22,000 per annum and who are also willing to pay relocation costs if necessary then I am your girl!..............yep that's what I thought!
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Next is his relationship, My brother has found his soul mate, this doesn't mean they never argue. I am certain they do because they are just like you and me. The big difference is that they love each other in a way that I have never witnessed before and I feel privileged that I have been party to their relationship even on the most superficial surface based scale. Its unfortunate but I can't ever see that happening for me and I try not to think about it but what can I say I'm a typical girl, a real romantic and I want a real man in my life, someone who is hardworking, sincere, I find attractive, intelligent and incredibly funny. I simply wont find him without completely changing my life and I can't see that happening.
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Lastly is his self belief that he can do it. I am the complete opposite, I doubt myself a lot (I am sure he has his moments of self doubt but he hides it well when he does) its funny, people assume that when you envy someone you want them to fail, I don't in fact I want him to soar. I just want to find a way to soar too.
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Oh well I am sure that I will get there. I think I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment and its getting me a bit down but they say you have to hit rock bottom sometimes in order to find the way back up. I feel like I have no future but yet I am happy that I have great friends and a wonderful family so I also know in my mind I have nothing to complain about. Its that vicious circle of self depreciation and dreams that you can have it all in some form or another yet can never seem to attain anything you feel is of value.
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On an entirely different note I really enjoyed my night out on Friday however I did make a monumental mistake and am mortified that I did. I will be having to front it out and think that I will just have to fake it till I make it...........wish me luck!!!!
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