Interviews are horrible

So I am having a busy week really, I have two, yes that's two interviews. The first is at 9am tomorrow and the next is at 3pm on Friday. It would be an understatement to say I'm nervous. excuse my french but I am FUCKING SHITTING it!!!

.

I have a horrible feeling that I am going to leave the house with toothpaste around my mouth, barely brushed hair which is then likely to be rained on. I then have to get the bus for around an hour. 1 whole hour where I guess I will be sat next to the grossest smelling man on the face of the planet whose ghastly stink lingers on me so that when I shake hands with the panel they screw their faces up in a barely perceptible eeeeewww. Then and only then will I realise I have put my nickers on outside my trousers and have a large bogie hanging from my nose just to contrast with the dried crusty weet-a-bix my little boy would have wiped down my blouse.

.

Should be good.

.

The thing is I know in my logical self that none of this is ever likely to happen except perhaps the weet-a-bix part which is highly avoidable if I give him toast. Unfortunately, my unreasonable and slightly over imaginative self seems to be ruling the roost at this very moment. So as a purging tactic I have decided to tell you guys. Its daunting this job hunting thing you know.

.

I have only been out of work for 7 months but I am terrified. You see I want to go back to work. Not only is it financially beneficial but I want it - deep in my gut I ache to go back to work.

.

I am off now for a little R and R before bed. Blade Trinity should do the trick!

To share or not to share!

So I have located some of my little erm 'odes' and thought I may occassionally share them with you. Please accept my apologies if any of it is remotely offensive, they are not intended to be but sometimes even unintentionally the nicest person can be offensive.
.
The one I'm sharing with you today was written when I was heavily pregnant and I had watched far too much daytime telly and this was mostly inspired by Jerry springer and the like of course nothing was directly taken as material for this poem and the thoughts and opinions are all my own.
.
NORMALITY
.
Mr thomas lets get this right, you're on my couch or therepy? You've had it with your family and their abnormailities.
.
Your young pregnant wife that saucy minx, is already twice a teenage mother. She had your fathers baby, is he your stepson or your brother?
.
Your mum was a closet lesbian and had an affair with your teacher. Your aunties name is Richard and he's the towns respected preacher.
.
Your brother is a junkie and the pimping king's his man. He sells himself to feed his habit and scrape together what he can.
.
Grandad was a serial killer, who killed then raped his prey, you saw him shagging rigamortis and he's stuck there till this day
.
Your sisters are disorder queens, ones called little ones called large. The small one wears cindy's clothes and the other sank a barge.
.
Granny on your mothers side, swings rather than swoons, She lends pops to Mrs Murray and borrows Mr Murray's prunes!
.
So what Mr Thomas ........do you think you've got it bad?You're family's eccentric.....my life now that is sad!
.
I grew up in an orphanage, but my fathers names Rod THOMAS, I had sex with a pimps junkie lover so the pimp bit off my bollocks.
.
My wife had an affair - with a pupils motherso I slept with a saucy minx and now she's up the duffer!
.
My priests name is Richard, but she hasn't got mens bits
I once put my hand up his robe and even felt his tits!
.
Nobody knows what goes on in a family once they've closed the doorsTherapy's over say 'thank you master' and now get on all fours!

Hello again

Well I haven't blogged for a wee bit (as you have probably noticed). There's no real reason except that I simply haven't felt the desire to do so. I am not writing to get noticed or for comments I write this because it is something I enjoy doing and it's something that makes me feel replete once done. I'd liken it to going out for a lovely meal when you are hungry and in good company. Thoroughly enjoyable and incredibly relaxing. However, it is always easier to write when I feel as though I have something worth saying and right about now I feel like I don't. Maybe its because I feel as though I have so many balls in the air or well just whatever but I haven't had the inclination to write anything. But now I do so here goes.

.

As those of you (well the one reader that I occasionally have) may know My husband left me in January. We had been a couple for seven years, married for four and had a just turned three year old at the time. I wont lie, I knew we had had problems since our son was born (our baby wasn't a problem but people change when they have kids and rather than growing together it was clear we were growing apart) but his walking out was a complete shock. It was January the 2nd just a week after Christmas when he sat me down and said 'I just don't love you the way a husband should' two weeks later he was living with his girlfriend. The strange thing was November and December were the best times we had had together for a couple of years, he was attentive and romantic, I cried when I opened my Christmas presents because he had bought me a book. Not just any book, it was a book I'd looked at a couple of months previously but hadn't purchased because I knew with the upcoming birthday of our son and Christmas meant that we couldn't really afford it. I was deeply touched, for the first time since we had become a couple he had really noticed me and I can only say I fell in love with him all over again at that moment. A week or so later he was gone and I was numb.

.

Our little boy spent the weekend with him and came back home to me yesterday afternoon, he truly is a beautiful little boy, sensitive and funny and smart and generally very well behaved but today he has said something that makes it feel like my heart is breaking. He said.

.

"I want to live with daddy"

.

I want to cry, it hurts that he doesn't want me more, I know that sounds selfish and I'd never mention it to anyone else and would never mention it to him but that's one of the feelings that bubbles up inside me as he looks at me and I want to shout "why???". I feel like I am failing, that my head is barely breaking the surface of the water and I don't have any lifelines left.

.

So here I am going to say it all.

.

It was me that got up with you every 45 minutes from the day you were born till you were 2 and a half and it is me that gets up with you every night since your dad left because you have bad dreams. Its me that crawls into bed with you when you're crying and lays there with you wrapped in my arms until your little body grows heavy with sleep because you know I am there and you are safe.

.

I am the one who knows the name of your teachers and of your best friend, I saw you take your first steps and heard you whisper your first word. I know that you like to have the bathroom light on if you are struggling to sleep and that you have three Teddy's that make you feel safe and that one of them goes everywhere with you, I love bear too.

.

I was the one who saw you ride your bicycle for the first time with a lump in my throat and an incredible sense of pride at the look of aceivement on your face. I hugged you tight and soothed you while your body was racked with sobs because I had had to tell you daddy didn't live with us anymore. It is me that tells you I love you when you shout at me because you believe it was me that sent daddy away and it is me that doesn't have the heart to tell you he left us because I can't bear the thought of being the one to make you lose faith in your hero.

.

I know you don't like melon or quiche but love cucumber, peppers and onion that you like mushrooms when in a red sauce but you dont like the way they look when they are cooked on their own and are grey and you simply wont eat them like that. Its me that knows that when you feel poorly you like to watch a DVD with your snugly pj's on and a beaker of tea. Its me that sleeps with your pillow on my bed when you stay at your daddy's house because I miss you so terribly and its me that is trying to work out how to provide you with the best possible life.

.

Its me that draws pictures with you and pretends to be a race car or a power ranger or a break dancer with you when you're bored, or dances around the lounge with you listening to your favorite song because seeing you laugh makes me laugh and its me that sits on the side of your bed watching you sleep just because I am so incredibly awed by how wonderful you are.

.

I am the one who drys your tears, heals your cuts and laughs when you do something you think is funny even if its not.

.

Its not me that doesn't want to see you in the week because its too time consuming its not me that needed to be told what your favorite foods are or what size feet you have. It wasn't me that moved 3 new girlfriends into your life and then had them walk away from you without so much as a backward glance. It's not me that has decided to stop child maintenance or ignores your phone calls. Its not me that would shout and swear so much you would shake and cry with fear until you fell asleep.

.

It is me who writes these things down because I don't ever want to use you as a weapon, it is me that takes the blame and comforts your cries because you are too little to be hurt so deeply by someone. It is me that puts a smile on her face when you say you want to live with daddy and promises you can ring him when he's finished work so that you don't miss him quite so much. Its me that loves you unconditionally and will always be proud of the wonderful person you are becoming and who will be here when finally you discover that not everyone sees the world the way you do.

.
It wasn't me that left.

Bad Dreams and Birthdays

So I have had an......interesting week and I'm feeling a bit soft with all that has been going on.

.

I have really been trying to hold it all together since my husband walked out on us in January and one of the things I have been desperate to hold on to was our home. We rented privately and in a quite backwards and perverse way I was told that I would only keep it if I left my job and the local council paid my rent. I hated the thought but I looked at my son and thought 'I can't disrupt him anymore' so I quit my job and after four months of excruciating money worries it was agreed that the council would pay and we could stay here. I was thrilled, we love this house.

.

Wednesday of this week I was handed my notice on the property, unfortunately for me while the council had been umming and arring on the decision to pay I was served an eviction notice, once they agreed however it was verbally confirmed that we could stay. Sadly it would seem that the landlord has experienced some financial difficulties in this 'credit crunch' and is using the fact that he never officially retracted the notice of eviction to apply for an accelerated court ordered eviction. So I am now begging the local authority for housing, who knows what I will get.

.

I'm terrified of what will happen, I know we would be far more secure in council property and as I am intending to go back to work the rent will be cheaper so this could be a positive couldn't it? I thought I was finally becoming a stronger person, looking at the positives, finding that silver lining. Then it happened, I dropped my iPod down the toilet. I cried, I cried like a baby and I didn't stop until my body, wracked with sobs, slumped in the downstairs loo simply didn't have the energy to continue. Maybe it was deferred sadness but all I know is that I love my iPod and it upset me terribly.

.

I am terrified, I can't tell the people close to me how frightened I am because they are all struggling with their own issues but I am incredibly scared, am I a terrible mother? Why can't I fix this? Why can't I learn how to just do better? I thought I was doing OK, am I deluded?

.

The reality is that I know we will be OK, that I will make this situation work for us because my son is the light of my life and deserves a home and a happy mummy. But I have also started to have nightmares which is a sure sign that I am finding things overwhelming.

.

Last night I dreamt that my little boy fell into the Thames and was washed away, I jumped in and could almost reach him but we were both drowning and I couldn't stop it. It was the worst nightmare I have ever had and I am concerned that I am figuratively drowning in this mess. All I can do is look on the bright side and know that at least a new home will be a place to build new memories and at the end of the day we will have a home, together.

.

I'm also feeling quite reminiscent. My little sister was born when I was fourteen and I can remember all of her significant moments. She will be twelve tomorrow and that seems so huge. I wanted to buy everything I could find. She spends a lot of time with me and we are incredibly close as she is with my son. I couldn't afford to get her a present though and so I pawned the first ring my soon to be ex-husband ever bought for me just over seven years ago. It was a big moment for me, kind of symbolic of putting the past behind me. I feel like I have been asleep for so long and now I am waking to pandemonium and confusion. In the strangest, overwhelming way I feel invigorated and alive, terrified, incredibly inadequate but alive.

.

Here's hoping that I can find the resources to focus on the solutions and not be overwhelmed by the situations I find myself in. Surely loving him enough to do what is right by him is what makes me a good mother?

.

Ah, birthdays and bad dreams are going to be the making of me.

Busy Busy Busy

So I apologise, I did say I would post again Sunday but I was just so busy I never got the chance.

.

Saturday night was fabulous I had a whale of a time, I danced and laughed more than I have done in a long time and I had a small flirtation which was very nice in itself. And the best thing? I didn't pretend to be like my friend I just thought about the girl I used to be before my ex. Bubbly, fun loving and cheeky and decided to incorporate a little of her into the newer wiser me. I never even had to buy myself a drink. It was just an all round fab night.

.

So on a lot of the other blogs I've been reading they've been doing a FINISHING SENTENCES thing and I thought, what the hey so here I go......

.

1. My uncle once: Sellotaped my cousin to a lamppost while sitting on a chair and left her in the middle of the green in front of the house for a while because, well just because our family often did strange things like that.

.

2. Never in my life have I: Seen Buckingham Palace, terrible I know but sadly true.

.
3. When I was five: Some Jehovah witnesses knocked at the door and when my mum told us to be quiet I panicked and shouted those immortal words "The Germans are coming, the Germans are coming" in a rather odd Liverpudlian accent before jumping to the floor in a most dramatic way.

.

4. High school was: where I kissed a boy who tasted like raw sausages, now whenever I buy or cook sausages I can't help but think of Elliot.

.

5. I will never forget: My aunties phone number from when she lived in Surrey when I was about 7, I remembered it in the form of a little tune and can recite it to this day.

.

6. Once I met: An old lady on a bus who, while eating a portion of chips she'd smuggled on proceeded to tell me all about her skin condition which caused terrible flaking at all times, even while she was talking to me she must have shed a bucket load apparently. The scary thing is this is actually not an unusual occurrence, I seem to have a face that says hey - I like to know all of your problems and any strange body things you may have. You'd be surprised at the things I know.

.
7. There’s this girl I know: and she has the shortest fingers I have ever seen, she is lovely and we have a proper laugh but I just can't help but look at her fingers.

.
8. Once, at a bar: I went up to a gorgeous man and said "My friend said she kissed you the other week" at which point he looked over and somewhat confused said "did I? I don't remember, I don't think I did", I paused for a moment, let him look deep into my eyes and said "that's a shame as, if you had, its my job to personally mark you out of 10" he gave me a wicked grin and snogged my face off. I gave him an 8.

.

9. By noon, I’m usually: Walking my son home from school and wondering why he insists on picking up every stick he sees shouting, "look mummy it's a stick"

.

10. Last night: I had a horrible nightmare about a demon, my ex husband a dog and the supermarket.

.

11. If only I had: enough money to buy a house, or enough talent in something to earn that kind of cash.

.

12. Next time I go to church: I'll be either at a funeral or at someone else's wedding.

.

13. What worries me most: Is that I'll never be truly loved and that I'll be unable to provide a good life for my son

.

14. When I turn my head left I see: The wall.

.

15. When I turn my head right I see: My son and my sister eating breakfast on the sofa.

.

16. You know I’m lying when: I say, Oh sorry that was a lie, I don't know why I said that.

.
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: Is the quality of the children's TV programmes.

.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Viola because she's a mess and I like that.

.

19. By this time next year: I want to be a better version of me.

.
20. A better name for me would be: There isn't one, Amy suits me down to the ground.

.

21. I have a hard time: feeling comfortable around people.

.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: Probably have a panic attack, I was diagnosed with Scolionophobia - a fear of school when I was 14 and subsequently de-registered and put on a course of Prozac. Although I would love to go back and get all my qualifications.

.

23. You know I like you if: I spend a lot of time with you and say I really bloomin like you.

.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: My family of course.

.

25. Take my advice, never: Trust a greedy sheep. (That was something my brother said when he was he was 15 and I was 11, its been sound advice so far)

.

26. My ideal breakfast is: Croissants, jams, coffee, tea, ham, eggs and so on and so forth.

.

27. A song I love but do not have is: Oooh Devilgate Drive by Suzie Quatro.

.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: Come with me to the pub, we like fresh blood.

.

29. Why won’t people: not touch my bum, I mean not everyone does and I should probably say something that would mean we had world peace but I really really hate people touching my bum.

.

30. If you spend a night at my house: I'll forget to offer you anything to drink.

.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: a missing groom???

.

32. The world could do without: road rage.

.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat it.

.
34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: My best friend C, she's funny, smart and totally nuts and probably knows me a bit better than anyone else in this world.

.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: miniature sculptures.

.
36. If I do anything well it’s: laugh.

.

37. I can’t help but: laugh when someone falls over.

.

38. I usually cry: if I hear my friends get choked up, at sad stuff on TV and soppy movies. If I laugh a lot, If i'm really excited......oh so pretty much anything then.

.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: Remember that every day is a new day.

.

40. And by the way: I like cheese, marmite and sweetcorn toasties mmmmmmm yummy yum yum.

I thought I would

So I thought I'd just pop a little post on here because I could. No real reason I just fancied it.

.

I'm in the middle of a little tipple so that may explain it. Why do people tell me that drunk dialling is not good when I don't do it yet nobody tells me drunk blogging is a bad thing. You may realise just how bad at about 3 tomorrow morning! I should apologise now just in case. Very many Sorries.

.

Well I'm just waiting for my friend Jamie to pick me up, its chucking it down and I don't fancy walking in this. We are off out this evening, I'd tell you its somewhere exciting but its not, I'd like to tell you I'm going somewhere like a comedy club or a concert but I'm not. I'm going to my local pub where I don't have to ask for a drink, I simply go to the bar with my empty glass and they pour and charge. It's not that I'm a big drinker but when I go out I generally go there and I'm a nice person. People talk to me and get to know me and the fact that I'm something like 6 ft 1 or maybe 2 means that people generally remember me. In fact my nick name is big bird.

.

Anyway I'm sorry I'm babbling on a bit like a big babbly thing but I really felt the urge to talk to you, one sided though it may be.

.

There's something you should know about me, I'm not a naturally confident person. Oh, you already guessed that did you, well the reason I'm telling you is because I am doing an experiment tonight. My friend C is supremely confident so I am going to think to myself 'what would C say/do in this situation' and if it is within reason I shall do it. This is simply to see if I have a completely different night to normal so anyway I'm telling you this because I will inform you at some stage tomorrow of exactly what happened.

.

So that's it really, the end of this odd babbling post and I thank you all and wish you a fabulous weekend.

.

Oh and just for your information, when I spell checked the post it had more errors and typos than any other I've ever done before....ah the dangers of drunk blogging!!!!

Today is a new day

Normally when the rain is falling, the sky is grey and the air is cool I feel hemmed in and miserable. I feel like I need to snuggle up under a duvet on the sofa and watch cheesy movies and eat cheesy wotsits all night long.

.

Not today.

.

If you've ever read this blog you'll know I'm prone to dramatic mood swings, quite a lot of inarticulate speech and though I try I am, quite clearly, not always a glass half full kind of a gal. However, somewhat shockingly to even my own self I find that I feel refreshed, as though metaphorically as well as literally today is a new day. I feel as though just around the corner there is a sweet release. From what I don't know but I have an opportunity bubbling up inside of me that is just yelling to be let free.

.

And it feels so good.

.

A good friend of mine (P) recently told me that to get out of my rut I needed to realise that there were three aspects of life that I was freaking out about. Finances, Career and Love. He said that rather than trying to fix all three I needed to let one go. I needed to realise that I couldn't possibly achieve success in all three areas because it was simply too big an ask but that if I tried to remould two of those aspects into what I want (constantly allowing the changes to be fluid as desires obviously change with ones circumstances) I would be pleasantly surprised with how well the third area would fare on its own.

.

Perhaps he's right. I feel a sense of freedom that I have not felt for a long time, I wonder if subconsciously I have taken his advice or maybe its just that I have had an opportunity to realise a few home truths on the other hand maybe I am just having a good day whatever it is I like it.

.

You see there is hope as I know there is something good around that there corner because believe you me, today is a new day.