Sibling Envy.......don't you just hate it

So I am the first one to tell you how incredibly proud I am of my big brother but I am also the first to admit that I am also incredibly envious. I see what he has and I want some of it myself. I know its a negative emotion yada yada yada and people don't admit to being envious any more as it's just not fashionable. I am not afraid to say that I am envious and that I feel like I have failed in my life. When I look to my brother who is my hero I can't help thinking that I wish I was more like him.

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It's not that I want his life I just want to feel that I am as successful within certain aspects of my life as he is in his and yes I am profoundly happy for him, I just want to be that happy for me too.

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He is very successful, my god he works hard for it but he is successful, he knew what he wanted to do from an early age and has continued to work for it. By my age he was well established in his career and 4 years on he is what I consider to be extremely successful. I want this in my life, I am very loyal and hardworking but I fell into a subservient relationship got married and had a baby and when I did go back to work I was constantly pressurised to leave.

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So it was easy for me to use that excuse to never follow my dreams. It was someone elses fault. The good thing is I now know I want to work in publishing starting at the bottom and building myself up. The bad news is now I am a single mum on benefits and I have no idea where to start - anyone fancy giving me a job in publishing where I need no experience and earn at least £22,000 per annum and who are also willing to pay relocation costs if necessary then I am your girl!..............yep that's what I thought!

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Next is his relationship, My brother has found his soul mate, this doesn't mean they never argue. I am certain they do because they are just like you and me. The big difference is that they love each other in a way that I have never witnessed before and I feel privileged that I have been party to their relationship even on the most superficial surface based scale. Its unfortunate but I can't ever see that happening for me and I try not to think about it but what can I say I'm a typical girl, a real romantic and I want a real man in my life, someone who is hardworking, sincere, I find attractive, intelligent and incredibly funny. I simply wont find him without completely changing my life and I can't see that happening.

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Lastly is his self belief that he can do it. I am the complete opposite, I doubt myself a lot (I am sure he has his moments of self doubt but he hides it well when he does) its funny, people assume that when you envy someone you want them to fail, I don't in fact I want him to soar. I just want to find a way to soar too.

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Oh well I am sure that I will get there. I think I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment and its getting me a bit down but they say you have to hit rock bottom sometimes in order to find the way back up. I feel like I have no future but yet I am happy that I have great friends and a wonderful family so I also know in my mind I have nothing to complain about. Its that vicious circle of self depreciation and dreams that you can have it all in some form or another yet can never seem to attain anything you feel is of value.

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On an entirely different note I really enjoyed my night out on Friday however I did make a monumental mistake and am mortified that I did. I will be having to front it out and think that I will just have to fake it till I make it...........wish me luck!!!!

I love days like today

The sun is shining, I'm happy and I'm going out tonight and will be enjoying a nice Vodka lemonade or two.

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I have a new outfit including blue shoes (Yay) and am really looking forward to just letting my hair down with my friends so I just thought I'd let you know that today is a good day and I love days that are good!

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I hope yours is as smiley and good as mine.

And I think it may be broken........

Three days ago my little man asked me to weigh him. He's 3 and a half and doesn't understand what this means but I guess he's excited because I get supremely happy when I've lost a few pounds. I try not to let him see me do this unless its unavoidable because I don't want him to become caught up in that type of self flagellation if that's at all possible.

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Anyway I thought aw bless him so out came the scales. I stood behind him and lifted him on, leaning gingerly over his shoulder I checked to see what he weighed. Unfortunately, this was when he decided to literally launch himself off the scales with a jump. It had enough power to send him into orbit as long as nothing got in his way. Luckily for him the back of his head connected with my nose so he never got to sample the delights of severe altitude. I heard a truly sickening crack, my eyes welled up and the blood began to gush. Yes I cried. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

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Almost as soon as the initial flash of pain occurred it subsided, the bleeding stopped and I felt the nausea that had almost overcome me wash away. My little man was crying through shock so I put my arms out and gave him the biggest squeeze I could muster. "You know mummy" he said "you really shouldn't get that close" and I smiled and then I felt it. Pain. The left side of my face hurt like hell "OWWWWW" I yelled (little man wasn't particularly appreciative of this sudden noise)

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And so generally my nose is fine but when I smile, laugh, chew, sneeze or sleep my nose throbs, in fact my mum said it looks slightly 'on the wonk' with a strange line across the bridge although its not obviously deformed apart from a a little swelling on the left hand side. Originally I thought it may be broken but there's no bruising so of course it can't be broken.

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Can it?

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Oh should you wish to know he weighed 2 stone 10lbs by the way.

Please floor, open up and swallow me now

So I've been trying to get into the discipline of writing regularly on my blog for many reasons mainly it's because I find it incredibly therapeutic, for good or bad it listens to every word of what I say and as person with verbal diarrhea that can be quite hard to come by. The problem I have with writing this is figuring out what to write so I have decided that I will tell you about me by telling you about things that have happened to me so here goes. Oh and if you're related to me I suggest you don't read this post unless you want to know me even better than you already do and it would be in a way that I'm sure you really really don't!

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Being a young girl I was incredibly naive, even though I live in a town that was at one time apparently inhabited by thugs and ahem loose ladies (This was obviously not entirely true though just like anywhere I'm sure it had its fair share of both but it had an ugly reputation) I was not particularly sexual as a schoolgirl, never really had boyfriends and didn't have a snog till at least 13 and even then they were few and far between. But then it happened, I was 16 and a year or so earlier I had discovered alcohol, oh that fabulous nectar that seemed to make everything and everyone happy and funny!

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I've always been quite naive when it comes to the delights of the flesh and how people describe it. I pretty much have my foot in my mouth all the time when it comes to sexual innuendo and I spend my life blushing!

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I remember when I was around 11 I was at a local park when a lad who was a few years older than me asked if I gave good head (he was about 14 and showing off) I was incredibly offended that he would think I could do something badly so proudly announced that I was great at giving head to the delighted laughter of all those around. I decided I'd brazen it out but as soon as I got home I dashed to the garden where my brother was doing some random activity and asked him 'Whats giving head only I told someone I give it really good?' he was understandably surprised at the question and told me that it was something grown ups did and I'd understand when I was older (he was diplomatic even at 15) It wasn't until I had my first experience of 'giving head' that a memory of asking my brother what it was popped into my mind - bit of a mood killer I can tell you!

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Anyway I went off on a bit of a tangent there when what I was basically trying to explain is the type of girl that gets herself in these situations.

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Sooo, here was me 16 and hanging out with some older girls who were and are still lovely and incredibly protective and yet I still managed to get very drunk on a regular basis. It was on one of these occasions that became close with a childhood friend and by close I mean I drunkenly decided that I wanted him to be the one I lost my cherry to. Yep that's right I looked at him and thought, I know where I stand with him, we wont be pretending we love each other, should be OK.

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We were classy, we got to yet another local park where he proceeded to undress me and I fumbled around like an idiot as I'd never actually you know, touched a penis let alone anything else and just kind of hoped I was doing it right. Then I woke up (yes I believe I passed out at some point through the highlights) a car pulled up and a young family got out heading home from a long trip. I was mortified!

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C* managed to cover my face, unfortunately my big white arse was pretty bloody visible. Shortly after getting out of the car the family disappeared into their house and I decided that, actually, I was done. I whipped on my top, yanked on my nickers and trousers and waited patiently for him to finish what ever it was boys had to do to finish before politely thanking him and walking the rest of the way home (I think I said something briefly in a previous post about becoming extremely British when I feel I'm in a crisis this was another of those times)

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Still, unexciting as it was I couldn't wait to tell my best friend and her sister all about it. I recounted the story in gory detail even to the point when after I'd got in and pulled my trousers off I realised that I'd whipped them up in such haste I pulled up half the park inside my knickers as they were full of pebbles.

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My friends sister K* then asked me "Was it long??", I pondered this for sometime before answering "Well, I haven't really got anything to compare it with but I think it was you know, kinda normal, ooooh but it was really fat and pink"

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K* looked at me and said calmly "I meant did it last long" That was truly the first memory I have where I wished that the ground would open up and swallow me. Not only did I wish that then but 10 years on when those same friends call me pebble nickers I still wish it would open up and devour me in one whole piece!

Memory Lane - oops!

So it was my birthday earlier in the week and I was despondent and lonely and felt like a failure because basically I feel I have had a shitty year (starting on January 2nd when my husband of almost 4 years, partner of 7 and father of my son left me for another woman) but today I thought hey you miserable moaning cow pull yourself together you have to take something good apart from your son from this ultimately unhealthy relationship so I started a little trip down memory lane and thought what better to make me feel good than to post one of my favorite memories on here for you my audience of nil to share with me.

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It was a rather warm sunny afternoon and I'd been living at my future in-laws house for around a month. I wasn't due to go to work until 1pm so after everyone left for the morning I decided to take a leisurely bath. It was lovely, their bath was huge and I was covered neck to feet in bubbles. The bedroom I shared with my future husband was directly beside the main bathroom which I was in and so when I heard the television switch on I thought that it was odd but not unheard of for my fella to be home from work so early.

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Slinking out of the bath and wrapping the big fluffy white bath towel around myself (ensuring to leave a few bubbles in strategic places) I walked into our bedroom thinking I was going to get some afternoon loving and a lift to work. Bonus.

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"Hey babe, what you doing home so early" I said as I walked in. Unfortunately it was not the then love of my life waiting for me sexily on his bed it was another situation entirely that presented itself to me. One that will be forever etched in my mind.

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There on the edge of my fellas side of the bed was my soon to be father in-law. His gym shorts were unattractively bunched up at his ankles, his penis was being lovingly stroked in his right hand whilst his eyes were glued to the cheesy 80's porn movie he'd put in my hubby's VCR. Yes this was something I never thought I'd witness not only was I watching my y soon to be father in-law have a wank but he was also using a small vibrator to tease his balls. (Yes I managed to take all this in - I couldn't help myself it was like seeing an accident a the side of the road, i just had to look).

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And so I hear you ask, what did you do? What did you say?

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Well I being a woman of the world (ahem) thought to myself, lets not make an issue out of this so I simply grabbed my towel all the tighter and smiled my best please don't look freaked out smile and said "Oh I'm sorry do carry on" and promptly walked back into the bathroom.(out of curiosity why do I go extremely British when I believe I'm in a crisis situation and yes I did believe this was a crisis) I must have spent a good 30 minutes in the bathroom biting my knuckles, tears streaming down my face as I tried desperately to hold in the laughter at this rather odd situation.

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When I finally went back in the room father in-law had gone downstairs and I got myself ready for work. Once I was done I headed down, quite unsure what to expect. Would he beg me not to tell anyone? Would he babble like a madman with excuses as to it being not what it looked like? No what he said was.......

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Oops.

I can't think straight

No I just can't. There may be several causes but knowing them does not seem to help me.

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Yes I have some bizarre chest problem this week which reminds me of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where a horrid (invisible to the adult eye) monster sits on children's chests and sucks the life out of them. Not because I can see such a monster (I would hope if I did see such a monster I would be actively discouraging it from sucking the life from children as apposed to writing about it on 'life in the grey area') but because I feel as though I have a small man sitting on my chest and am having a little difficulty breathing which in turn is ruining one of my favorite past times. (talking)

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Then there is the sense of complete exhaustion. I am incredibly tired - to the point where I just keep nodding off (so far I have dozed on a chair in the garden, in a taxi and on the toilet) luckily I was wearing sunglasses in the cab and don't think the driver noticed and on the toilet well its not like us ladies have to aim so that wasn't too much of a problem and on a chair in the garden actually happens to be rather fun until you realise that your son has applied a small piece of peanut butter on toast to the big toe on your left foot and that it is attracting a varied selection of creepy crawlies.

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Lastly there is the possibility that I am just generally feeling like rubbish, no reason that I can think of except that it was my birthday a few days ago and I do really really hate birthdays. They make me think of the previous year and how I am progressing only this year in particular I just felt downright crap.

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Anyway it all means that I just can't seem to think straight. I have very few thoughts that don't revolve around my non existent love life, my incredible lack of sex and my invisible career. It does seem to have a detrimental effect on my writing as I have no particularly interesting thoughts.

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My favorite thought today was that I may try to eat my own body weight in cheesy puffs this evening whilst watching some cheesy chick flick or perhaps while I read all four of the mills and boon books I have just had delivered to my door.

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Maybe tomorrow I will be able to post something that makes me sound witty, intelligent and incredibly entertaining. As for today you'll just have to put up with nonsensical slightly crap posts.

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Oh and out of curiosity why does my mouth taste like salami when I've just had a Muller yogurt?

Thanks for the memories

I cried when you left me.
You dented my pride and damaged my heart, but you didn't break me.
You opened up wounds and blurred my sights, but you couldn't take me - to the depths of despair, I'd already been there.
You never had that kind of power over me.
I just never loved you enough.
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and I am lost

I need to, I'm sorry

I hate not being creative, not writing. I feel overfull when I don't write as though I will vomit words if someone hugs me a little too tight.

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When I think, it can be messy. All my thoughts are pictures and these pictures are punctuated with words. I can't explain it any better though I wish I could. If someone says "he's got green eyes" I visualise green eyes (they are always smiling eyes by the way. In my mind green eyes are always smiling). This way of thinking is incredibly useful at times. It's one of the reasons I love to read, after all I digest the words, think of them and I can see what they depict. I create the authors world in my head and I love every minute of it.

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Unfortunately there is also a downside. For instance should someone say that their 'poo' was painful as it was one of those spiky ones I visualise them going to the toilet and, whats worse, is that I also visualise faeces with little bits of cornflakes randomly protruding. There's no specific reason for the spiky bits to be depicted by cornflakes its just how my mind works. And yes I realise this is not a nice thing to imagine but that is the very reason it made it on to the 'cons' side of the argument.

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I'm afraid there is no real ending to this post as there was no real design behind it but I needed to write and this was the first random thought that I plucked from my mind.

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My apologies. Oh and yes, I really have been on the receiving end of the 'poo' discussion.

unrequited Longing

So I have a friend. He's always been a friend. I've always wanted more and I don't think that's much of a secret but anyhow as I say he's always been a friend. Well as you know I've given up on men for quite some time, or at least until I am swept off my feet. But I do have a problem with this whole love life thing and that is this friend.

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I couldn't tell you one interesting fact about him or what shoe size he wears or what kind of movies he likes, we don't have that sort of friendship. I couldn't even tell you why I like him. Yes I find him physically attractive, his height, his build and his eyes are just lovely but the sad fact is that I simply just really like to be around him and secretly always wish for that ugly duckling moment from him. You know the one, the movies show it as something a little like this.......seemingly undesirable girl who always goes unnoticed spends a little time on her appearance and becomes a 'swan' and as she walks into the room good looking popular fella takes a second look and realises who she is and discovers he's a little attracted to her. She sees the look on his face and feels all warm and fuzzy. Boy and girl spend a little time together and realise they are a match made in heaven. Happily ever after.

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I can't help myself, I laugh and joke with him, we're friends we tease each other and chat about ridiculous things. We get drunk with our group of friends and take lots of pics together and even dance together like total morons yet all the time he's thinking what a daft mate I have I'm thinking, please please please see me. Please notice me. Please see that I'm more than this girl, I'm the girl.

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Oh dear its horrible. I hate feeling unnoticed by someone I want to care about me, it reminds me of all the times I desperately tried to get my dad to be proud of me and that is never a good thing.

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I saw him today. My friend that is and it was one of those unexpected meets we didn't even chat properly just had a little tease across the street but its gotten to me again. He makes it quite clear we're only friends by the way, there is no mistaking his intentions or feelings towards me, I'm not in one of those boy likes girl, girl likes boy but neither admits it scenario. I wish I was then maybe there'd be some chance. But I'm not. I just plain like him more than he likes me and every now and then, even though I have learned to almost bury it, it rears its ugly head and makes me feel a little heartache of the kind that can never really be but yet is never really not there either.

weather wherever

Ah July in the UK and yes its raining and dull and miserable.

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Although I love this little strange shaped kingdom of ours I really do need the sunshine to function properly and considering I was wet right through to my bones and its cold and overcast outside I am not functioning all that well today. In fact to entertain myself I have been spending some time flitting about online and plodding about the house and I'm bored.

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Someone once said that only boring people get bored.

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I'd like to think that this statement doesn't apply to me. I don't suppose anyone wants to be considered boring but I am usually quite content to entertain myself I just don't want to today. I'm not in the mood to read, the TV is well, to put it bluntly, boring and has in actual fact been commandeered by my son. The house is messy but cleaning is the last thing I want to do and all the quirky little things that are flitting around in my head just don't seem to have any real solidity to them. So I have decided that I will sit here and be entertained by my boredom.

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So here's to fluid thoughts and random ramblings. Cheers.

And as they say life goes on...

So I have been hoping against hope that something particularly interesting would happen so that I could wow you (my non existent audience) with the vagueness and strangeness of my life. Alas it has not been a fruitful wait. I have instead been playing World of Warcraft (yes I am a geek and proud to be) I threw a surprise party for my mum who turned 48 but who has been an incredibly wonderful mum and just deserved a treat. I have also been receiving daily texts from my 'date' mentioned in the previous post saying how much he loves me and wants me back (not entirely sure that is possible since in my opinion I was never his) and I have made my first sale on eBay.

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I am actually pretty bloomin happy at the moment all be it with an ex who I had to threaten to get committed in order to get him to go see a shrink about his issues (the chip on his shoulder is visible from mars and it would appear that being his soon to be ex wife means that everybody feels it is my responsibility to take care of him - not sure either of his girlfriends would agree but hey that's life) and the slightly unnerving attention from the date.

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I am happy. I am healthy and I have superb friends and family. Oh and did I mention that I made my first sale on eBay????

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Yep it was a book and I am very very impressed with myself. Cheers all round I feel.

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I have also received some news - My auntie Caroline is expecting her third child (fab news and big congrats and lots of love are in order) and my brother and his 'beloved' are moving in 2 months. Not just down the road but to San Francisco. Bloomin amazing really and I cannot explain in words how very proud I am of those 2 people. Not to mention that San Fransisco is a place I have been desperate to visit since I can remember. Happy Days!

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So basically everything in my life seems rosy and that's just marvelous because I was beginning to feel a little gloomy and so its nice to hear happy things. As I said the only blip on my sunny spot is my ex who declared his love for me then took his girlfriend on a romantic date and the date who believes he loves me when clearly he has some deep rooted need issues. I have therefore decided that since it is relationships of the romantic variety that blight my sunshine yellow days I will give up on it for a while. So this is me happy and single.