Busy Busy Busy

So I apologise, I did say I would post again Sunday but I was just so busy I never got the chance.

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Saturday night was fabulous I had a whale of a time, I danced and laughed more than I have done in a long time and I had a small flirtation which was very nice in itself. And the best thing? I didn't pretend to be like my friend I just thought about the girl I used to be before my ex. Bubbly, fun loving and cheeky and decided to incorporate a little of her into the newer wiser me. I never even had to buy myself a drink. It was just an all round fab night.

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So on a lot of the other blogs I've been reading they've been doing a FINISHING SENTENCES thing and I thought, what the hey so here I go......

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1. My uncle once: Sellotaped my cousin to a lamppost while sitting on a chair and left her in the middle of the green in front of the house for a while because, well just because our family often did strange things like that.

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2. Never in my life have I: Seen Buckingham Palace, terrible I know but sadly true.

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3. When I was five: Some Jehovah witnesses knocked at the door and when my mum told us to be quiet I panicked and shouted those immortal words "The Germans are coming, the Germans are coming" in a rather odd Liverpudlian accent before jumping to the floor in a most dramatic way.

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4. High school was: where I kissed a boy who tasted like raw sausages, now whenever I buy or cook sausages I can't help but think of Elliot.

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5. I will never forget: My aunties phone number from when she lived in Surrey when I was about 7, I remembered it in the form of a little tune and can recite it to this day.

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6. Once I met: An old lady on a bus who, while eating a portion of chips she'd smuggled on proceeded to tell me all about her skin condition which caused terrible flaking at all times, even while she was talking to me she must have shed a bucket load apparently. The scary thing is this is actually not an unusual occurrence, I seem to have a face that says hey - I like to know all of your problems and any strange body things you may have. You'd be surprised at the things I know.

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7. There’s this girl I know: and she has the shortest fingers I have ever seen, she is lovely and we have a proper laugh but I just can't help but look at her fingers.

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8. Once, at a bar: I went up to a gorgeous man and said "My friend said she kissed you the other week" at which point he looked over and somewhat confused said "did I? I don't remember, I don't think I did", I paused for a moment, let him look deep into my eyes and said "that's a shame as, if you had, its my job to personally mark you out of 10" he gave me a wicked grin and snogged my face off. I gave him an 8.

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9. By noon, I’m usually: Walking my son home from school and wondering why he insists on picking up every stick he sees shouting, "look mummy it's a stick"

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10. Last night: I had a horrible nightmare about a demon, my ex husband a dog and the supermarket.

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11. If only I had: enough money to buy a house, or enough talent in something to earn that kind of cash.

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12. Next time I go to church: I'll be either at a funeral or at someone else's wedding.

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13. What worries me most: Is that I'll never be truly loved and that I'll be unable to provide a good life for my son

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14. When I turn my head left I see: The wall.

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15. When I turn my head right I see: My son and my sister eating breakfast on the sofa.

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16. You know I’m lying when: I say, Oh sorry that was a lie, I don't know why I said that.

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17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: Is the quality of the children's TV programmes.

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18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Viola because she's a mess and I like that.

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19. By this time next year: I want to be a better version of me.

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20. A better name for me would be: There isn't one, Amy suits me down to the ground.

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21. I have a hard time: feeling comfortable around people.

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22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: Probably have a panic attack, I was diagnosed with Scolionophobia - a fear of school when I was 14 and subsequently de-registered and put on a course of Prozac. Although I would love to go back and get all my qualifications.

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23. You know I like you if: I spend a lot of time with you and say I really bloomin like you.

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24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: My family of course.

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25. Take my advice, never: Trust a greedy sheep. (That was something my brother said when he was he was 15 and I was 11, its been sound advice so far)

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26. My ideal breakfast is: Croissants, jams, coffee, tea, ham, eggs and so on and so forth.

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27. A song I love but do not have is: Oooh Devilgate Drive by Suzie Quatro.

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28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: Come with me to the pub, we like fresh blood.

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29. Why won’t people: not touch my bum, I mean not everyone does and I should probably say something that would mean we had world peace but I really really hate people touching my bum.

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30. If you spend a night at my house: I'll forget to offer you anything to drink.

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31. I’d stop my wedding for: a missing groom???

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32. The world could do without: road rage.

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33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat it.

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34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: My best friend C, she's funny, smart and totally nuts and probably knows me a bit better than anyone else in this world.

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35. Paper clips are more useful than: miniature sculptures.

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36. If I do anything well it’s: laugh.

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37. I can’t help but: laugh when someone falls over.

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38. I usually cry: if I hear my friends get choked up, at sad stuff on TV and soppy movies. If I laugh a lot, If i'm really excited......oh so pretty much anything then.

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39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: Remember that every day is a new day.

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40. And by the way: I like cheese, marmite and sweetcorn toasties mmmmmmm yummy yum yum.

I thought I would

So I thought I'd just pop a little post on here because I could. No real reason I just fancied it.

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I'm in the middle of a little tipple so that may explain it. Why do people tell me that drunk dialling is not good when I don't do it yet nobody tells me drunk blogging is a bad thing. You may realise just how bad at about 3 tomorrow morning! I should apologise now just in case. Very many Sorries.

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Well I'm just waiting for my friend Jamie to pick me up, its chucking it down and I don't fancy walking in this. We are off out this evening, I'd tell you its somewhere exciting but its not, I'd like to tell you I'm going somewhere like a comedy club or a concert but I'm not. I'm going to my local pub where I don't have to ask for a drink, I simply go to the bar with my empty glass and they pour and charge. It's not that I'm a big drinker but when I go out I generally go there and I'm a nice person. People talk to me and get to know me and the fact that I'm something like 6 ft 1 or maybe 2 means that people generally remember me. In fact my nick name is big bird.

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Anyway I'm sorry I'm babbling on a bit like a big babbly thing but I really felt the urge to talk to you, one sided though it may be.

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There's something you should know about me, I'm not a naturally confident person. Oh, you already guessed that did you, well the reason I'm telling you is because I am doing an experiment tonight. My friend C is supremely confident so I am going to think to myself 'what would C say/do in this situation' and if it is within reason I shall do it. This is simply to see if I have a completely different night to normal so anyway I'm telling you this because I will inform you at some stage tomorrow of exactly what happened.

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So that's it really, the end of this odd babbling post and I thank you all and wish you a fabulous weekend.

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Oh and just for your information, when I spell checked the post it had more errors and typos than any other I've ever done before....ah the dangers of drunk blogging!!!!

Today is a new day

Normally when the rain is falling, the sky is grey and the air is cool I feel hemmed in and miserable. I feel like I need to snuggle up under a duvet on the sofa and watch cheesy movies and eat cheesy wotsits all night long.

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Not today.

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If you've ever read this blog you'll know I'm prone to dramatic mood swings, quite a lot of inarticulate speech and though I try I am, quite clearly, not always a glass half full kind of a gal. However, somewhat shockingly to even my own self I find that I feel refreshed, as though metaphorically as well as literally today is a new day. I feel as though just around the corner there is a sweet release. From what I don't know but I have an opportunity bubbling up inside of me that is just yelling to be let free.

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And it feels so good.

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A good friend of mine (P) recently told me that to get out of my rut I needed to realise that there were three aspects of life that I was freaking out about. Finances, Career and Love. He said that rather than trying to fix all three I needed to let one go. I needed to realise that I couldn't possibly achieve success in all three areas because it was simply too big an ask but that if I tried to remould two of those aspects into what I want (constantly allowing the changes to be fluid as desires obviously change with ones circumstances) I would be pleasantly surprised with how well the third area would fare on its own.

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Perhaps he's right. I feel a sense of freedom that I have not felt for a long time, I wonder if subconsciously I have taken his advice or maybe its just that I have had an opportunity to realise a few home truths on the other hand maybe I am just having a good day whatever it is I like it.

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You see there is hope as I know there is something good around that there corner because believe you me, today is a new day.

Sibling Envy.......don't you just hate it

So I am the first one to tell you how incredibly proud I am of my big brother but I am also the first to admit that I am also incredibly envious. I see what he has and I want some of it myself. I know its a negative emotion yada yada yada and people don't admit to being envious any more as it's just not fashionable. I am not afraid to say that I am envious and that I feel like I have failed in my life. When I look to my brother who is my hero I can't help thinking that I wish I was more like him.

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It's not that I want his life I just want to feel that I am as successful within certain aspects of my life as he is in his and yes I am profoundly happy for him, I just want to be that happy for me too.

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He is very successful, my god he works hard for it but he is successful, he knew what he wanted to do from an early age and has continued to work for it. By my age he was well established in his career and 4 years on he is what I consider to be extremely successful. I want this in my life, I am very loyal and hardworking but I fell into a subservient relationship got married and had a baby and when I did go back to work I was constantly pressurised to leave.

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So it was easy for me to use that excuse to never follow my dreams. It was someone elses fault. The good thing is I now know I want to work in publishing starting at the bottom and building myself up. The bad news is now I am a single mum on benefits and I have no idea where to start - anyone fancy giving me a job in publishing where I need no experience and earn at least £22,000 per annum and who are also willing to pay relocation costs if necessary then I am your girl!..............yep that's what I thought!

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Next is his relationship, My brother has found his soul mate, this doesn't mean they never argue. I am certain they do because they are just like you and me. The big difference is that they love each other in a way that I have never witnessed before and I feel privileged that I have been party to their relationship even on the most superficial surface based scale. Its unfortunate but I can't ever see that happening for me and I try not to think about it but what can I say I'm a typical girl, a real romantic and I want a real man in my life, someone who is hardworking, sincere, I find attractive, intelligent and incredibly funny. I simply wont find him without completely changing my life and I can't see that happening.

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Lastly is his self belief that he can do it. I am the complete opposite, I doubt myself a lot (I am sure he has his moments of self doubt but he hides it well when he does) its funny, people assume that when you envy someone you want them to fail, I don't in fact I want him to soar. I just want to find a way to soar too.

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Oh well I am sure that I will get there. I think I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment and its getting me a bit down but they say you have to hit rock bottom sometimes in order to find the way back up. I feel like I have no future but yet I am happy that I have great friends and a wonderful family so I also know in my mind I have nothing to complain about. Its that vicious circle of self depreciation and dreams that you can have it all in some form or another yet can never seem to attain anything you feel is of value.

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On an entirely different note I really enjoyed my night out on Friday however I did make a monumental mistake and am mortified that I did. I will be having to front it out and think that I will just have to fake it till I make it...........wish me luck!!!!

I love days like today

The sun is shining, I'm happy and I'm going out tonight and will be enjoying a nice Vodka lemonade or two.

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I have a new outfit including blue shoes (Yay) and am really looking forward to just letting my hair down with my friends so I just thought I'd let you know that today is a good day and I love days that are good!

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I hope yours is as smiley and good as mine.

And I think it may be broken........

Three days ago my little man asked me to weigh him. He's 3 and a half and doesn't understand what this means but I guess he's excited because I get supremely happy when I've lost a few pounds. I try not to let him see me do this unless its unavoidable because I don't want him to become caught up in that type of self flagellation if that's at all possible.

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Anyway I thought aw bless him so out came the scales. I stood behind him and lifted him on, leaning gingerly over his shoulder I checked to see what he weighed. Unfortunately, this was when he decided to literally launch himself off the scales with a jump. It had enough power to send him into orbit as long as nothing got in his way. Luckily for him the back of his head connected with my nose so he never got to sample the delights of severe altitude. I heard a truly sickening crack, my eyes welled up and the blood began to gush. Yes I cried. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

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Almost as soon as the initial flash of pain occurred it subsided, the bleeding stopped and I felt the nausea that had almost overcome me wash away. My little man was crying through shock so I put my arms out and gave him the biggest squeeze I could muster. "You know mummy" he said "you really shouldn't get that close" and I smiled and then I felt it. Pain. The left side of my face hurt like hell "OWWWWW" I yelled (little man wasn't particularly appreciative of this sudden noise)

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And so generally my nose is fine but when I smile, laugh, chew, sneeze or sleep my nose throbs, in fact my mum said it looks slightly 'on the wonk' with a strange line across the bridge although its not obviously deformed apart from a a little swelling on the left hand side. Originally I thought it may be broken but there's no bruising so of course it can't be broken.

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Can it?

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Oh should you wish to know he weighed 2 stone 10lbs by the way.

Please floor, open up and swallow me now

So I've been trying to get into the discipline of writing regularly on my blog for many reasons mainly it's because I find it incredibly therapeutic, for good or bad it listens to every word of what I say and as person with verbal diarrhea that can be quite hard to come by. The problem I have with writing this is figuring out what to write so I have decided that I will tell you about me by telling you about things that have happened to me so here goes. Oh and if you're related to me I suggest you don't read this post unless you want to know me even better than you already do and it would be in a way that I'm sure you really really don't!

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Being a young girl I was incredibly naive, even though I live in a town that was at one time apparently inhabited by thugs and ahem loose ladies (This was obviously not entirely true though just like anywhere I'm sure it had its fair share of both but it had an ugly reputation) I was not particularly sexual as a schoolgirl, never really had boyfriends and didn't have a snog till at least 13 and even then they were few and far between. But then it happened, I was 16 and a year or so earlier I had discovered alcohol, oh that fabulous nectar that seemed to make everything and everyone happy and funny!

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I've always been quite naive when it comes to the delights of the flesh and how people describe it. I pretty much have my foot in my mouth all the time when it comes to sexual innuendo and I spend my life blushing!

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I remember when I was around 11 I was at a local park when a lad who was a few years older than me asked if I gave good head (he was about 14 and showing off) I was incredibly offended that he would think I could do something badly so proudly announced that I was great at giving head to the delighted laughter of all those around. I decided I'd brazen it out but as soon as I got home I dashed to the garden where my brother was doing some random activity and asked him 'Whats giving head only I told someone I give it really good?' he was understandably surprised at the question and told me that it was something grown ups did and I'd understand when I was older (he was diplomatic even at 15) It wasn't until I had my first experience of 'giving head' that a memory of asking my brother what it was popped into my mind - bit of a mood killer I can tell you!

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Anyway I went off on a bit of a tangent there when what I was basically trying to explain is the type of girl that gets herself in these situations.

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Sooo, here was me 16 and hanging out with some older girls who were and are still lovely and incredibly protective and yet I still managed to get very drunk on a regular basis. It was on one of these occasions that became close with a childhood friend and by close I mean I drunkenly decided that I wanted him to be the one I lost my cherry to. Yep that's right I looked at him and thought, I know where I stand with him, we wont be pretending we love each other, should be OK.

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We were classy, we got to yet another local park where he proceeded to undress me and I fumbled around like an idiot as I'd never actually you know, touched a penis let alone anything else and just kind of hoped I was doing it right. Then I woke up (yes I believe I passed out at some point through the highlights) a car pulled up and a young family got out heading home from a long trip. I was mortified!

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C* managed to cover my face, unfortunately my big white arse was pretty bloody visible. Shortly after getting out of the car the family disappeared into their house and I decided that, actually, I was done. I whipped on my top, yanked on my nickers and trousers and waited patiently for him to finish what ever it was boys had to do to finish before politely thanking him and walking the rest of the way home (I think I said something briefly in a previous post about becoming extremely British when I feel I'm in a crisis this was another of those times)

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Still, unexciting as it was I couldn't wait to tell my best friend and her sister all about it. I recounted the story in gory detail even to the point when after I'd got in and pulled my trousers off I realised that I'd whipped them up in such haste I pulled up half the park inside my knickers as they were full of pebbles.

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My friends sister K* then asked me "Was it long??", I pondered this for sometime before answering "Well, I haven't really got anything to compare it with but I think it was you know, kinda normal, ooooh but it was really fat and pink"

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K* looked at me and said calmly "I meant did it last long" That was truly the first memory I have where I wished that the ground would open up and swallow me. Not only did I wish that then but 10 years on when those same friends call me pebble nickers I still wish it would open up and devour me in one whole piece!