unrequited Longing

So I have a friend. He's always been a friend. I've always wanted more and I don't think that's much of a secret but anyhow as I say he's always been a friend. Well as you know I've given up on men for quite some time, or at least until I am swept off my feet. But I do have a problem with this whole love life thing and that is this friend.

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I couldn't tell you one interesting fact about him or what shoe size he wears or what kind of movies he likes, we don't have that sort of friendship. I couldn't even tell you why I like him. Yes I find him physically attractive, his height, his build and his eyes are just lovely but the sad fact is that I simply just really like to be around him and secretly always wish for that ugly duckling moment from him. You know the one, the movies show it as something a little like this.......seemingly undesirable girl who always goes unnoticed spends a little time on her appearance and becomes a 'swan' and as she walks into the room good looking popular fella takes a second look and realises who she is and discovers he's a little attracted to her. She sees the look on his face and feels all warm and fuzzy. Boy and girl spend a little time together and realise they are a match made in heaven. Happily ever after.

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I can't help myself, I laugh and joke with him, we're friends we tease each other and chat about ridiculous things. We get drunk with our group of friends and take lots of pics together and even dance together like total morons yet all the time he's thinking what a daft mate I have I'm thinking, please please please see me. Please notice me. Please see that I'm more than this girl, I'm the girl.

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Oh dear its horrible. I hate feeling unnoticed by someone I want to care about me, it reminds me of all the times I desperately tried to get my dad to be proud of me and that is never a good thing.

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I saw him today. My friend that is and it was one of those unexpected meets we didn't even chat properly just had a little tease across the street but its gotten to me again. He makes it quite clear we're only friends by the way, there is no mistaking his intentions or feelings towards me, I'm not in one of those boy likes girl, girl likes boy but neither admits it scenario. I wish I was then maybe there'd be some chance. But I'm not. I just plain like him more than he likes me and every now and then, even though I have learned to almost bury it, it rears its ugly head and makes me feel a little heartache of the kind that can never really be but yet is never really not there either.

weather wherever

Ah July in the UK and yes its raining and dull and miserable.

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Although I love this little strange shaped kingdom of ours I really do need the sunshine to function properly and considering I was wet right through to my bones and its cold and overcast outside I am not functioning all that well today. In fact to entertain myself I have been spending some time flitting about online and plodding about the house and I'm bored.

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Someone once said that only boring people get bored.

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I'd like to think that this statement doesn't apply to me. I don't suppose anyone wants to be considered boring but I am usually quite content to entertain myself I just don't want to today. I'm not in the mood to read, the TV is well, to put it bluntly, boring and has in actual fact been commandeered by my son. The house is messy but cleaning is the last thing I want to do and all the quirky little things that are flitting around in my head just don't seem to have any real solidity to them. So I have decided that I will sit here and be entertained by my boredom.

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So here's to fluid thoughts and random ramblings. Cheers.

And as they say life goes on...

So I have been hoping against hope that something particularly interesting would happen so that I could wow you (my non existent audience) with the vagueness and strangeness of my life. Alas it has not been a fruitful wait. I have instead been playing World of Warcraft (yes I am a geek and proud to be) I threw a surprise party for my mum who turned 48 but who has been an incredibly wonderful mum and just deserved a treat. I have also been receiving daily texts from my 'date' mentioned in the previous post saying how much he loves me and wants me back (not entirely sure that is possible since in my opinion I was never his) and I have made my first sale on eBay.

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I am actually pretty bloomin happy at the moment all be it with an ex who I had to threaten to get committed in order to get him to go see a shrink about his issues (the chip on his shoulder is visible from mars and it would appear that being his soon to be ex wife means that everybody feels it is my responsibility to take care of him - not sure either of his girlfriends would agree but hey that's life) and the slightly unnerving attention from the date.

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I am happy. I am healthy and I have superb friends and family. Oh and did I mention that I made my first sale on eBay????

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Yep it was a book and I am very very impressed with myself. Cheers all round I feel.

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I have also received some news - My auntie Caroline is expecting her third child (fab news and big congrats and lots of love are in order) and my brother and his 'beloved' are moving in 2 months. Not just down the road but to San Francisco. Bloomin amazing really and I cannot explain in words how very proud I am of those 2 people. Not to mention that San Fransisco is a place I have been desperate to visit since I can remember. Happy Days!

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So basically everything in my life seems rosy and that's just marvelous because I was beginning to feel a little gloomy and so its nice to hear happy things. As I said the only blip on my sunny spot is my ex who declared his love for me then took his girlfriend on a romantic date and the date who believes he loves me when clearly he has some deep rooted need issues. I have therefore decided that since it is relationships of the romantic variety that blight my sunshine yellow days I will give up on it for a while. So this is me happy and single.

Oh Dear, the things I get myself into!

So I think I may have briefly told you about going on a few dates, I did didn't I? Well let me tell you more. I joined a well known online dating site and began chatting to a fella I met on there.

We quickly progressed from MSN to texting and agreed to meet for a drink the following week. We'd exchanged pics and chatted every day for a week by the time we met and he was easy to recognise and seemed very sweet and shy as I imagined he would. I was quite excited.

The only problem with our date................he wouldn't look at me and he wouldn't speak to me. In fact when I went to the ladies he text me because he found it so difficult to speak while I was there. It was odd but I thought hey next time it would be better.

It has been 2 weeks since we started chatting and last week he professed his love for me and basically asked if he could move in. Hmmm I thought, I wasn't expecting that so advised him that we were friends. Now I seem to be getting bombarded with text messages about how I have destroyed his life and I'm not entirely sure he's particularly stable. Apparently he's contemplating disappearing.

I thought to myself.................That's another fine mess I've got me into.

Finally......

So I am sorry for not posting I have not had internet at my home for weeks and weeks. I cannot believe how isolated I felt without the internet in fact I think I actually had withdrawel symptoms. Of course I could pop online for a few minutes at my mums or my friends houses but its not the same as having everything set up just the way you like it. Anyway theres not been a lot going on in my life. I went to watch the Graham Norton show - it was fantastic and I haven't enjoyed myself like that in a long time. Id definately go again! I have also had a couple of dates. The guy in question is really lovely but I think perhaps he's almost too lovely and he doesn't read - not that that in itself is a bad thing but he is passionate about motorbikes and I am passionate about books and I suppose when I embarked on a new relationship I wanted it to be with someone that shared at least one fundamental interest with me.

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Other than that my life has pretty much been the same as ever. Hopefully I'll have a more interesting post for you sometime in the future.

Sweetheart

So I had a weepy moment last night when watching something on TV. J was laying on my tummy as I lay on the sofa and when he saw the tears rolling down my cheeks he raised his little hand wiped my tears away and said 'It's ok sweetheart' I had to smile - I love my kid, my 3 year old boy who comforts me when I cry at soppy telly, how lucky am I!!!

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He truly is my sweetheart.

I am so exhausted

So today nothing could please J my lovely little boy for he is absolutely full of cold. I feel sorry for the poor little beggar - his nose is running, he has a temperature and slips between sleep and grizzling. I wish I could say I was a Florence Nightingale type but I'm not.

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I along with many other parents, particularly single parents find this one of the most difficult times to cope with. What I wouldn't give to have someone make me a cup of tea when I finally get a moments peace or run me a bath when the littlun is finally sound asleep. Days like today when I too am feeling particularly unwell I really wish there was someone to help me be.

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Right now he is sat next to me on the sofa watching a movie - it changes between several depending on how long he lasts before getting hot and flustered and crying until I find something that sparks his interest. I am so tired I feel like my head is going to drop off at any moment and I am in dire need of a bath but until such a time as J can rest properly in his own bed I will stay close and make sure he feels secure and loved.

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It wouldn't be so bad but I ran out of milk this morning when making him a beaker up and haven't had a single cup of tea today. I have to have my morning cuppa and don't feel right without it. Please can someone make me a nice cup of tea?