Well Done You

So I have been reading some other blogs this evening and was deeply touched by this one particular post. It really had me catching my breath http://www.clevergirlgoesblog.com/2008/09/gray-area.html it is well written and clear in an understated way. It talks about a marriage that is no more and perhaps with hindsight should never have been even though we all know what we have done and who has been in our lives are all contributing cogs in the wheels of our lives, good and bad..

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I have been there, I am there, I wish I could be somewhere else but I'm not. I'm living it at the moment and I wonder often whether I will find that little light at the end of the tunnel, whether I am damaged goods now? whether I have too much baggage for one so young? This post is a wonderful reminder that I'm not the only person in the world and that life is big and bright and unpredictable.

My worst date experience...

So I have been thinking today about my history with dates and I have realised that so far I have been on 1 official date which I have already told you about on a previous post and 2 that were set ups. This is my dating history and I thought I'd take the opportunity to tell you about my first set up. Shall we say it was............interesting.

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The evening was nice and warm and I was looking forward to a meal at my cousins house. She's a lovely girl and I thought it would be fun, her and her boyfriend lodged at a house with another fella and so I assumed I would bump into him but nothing more crossed my mind.

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When I got there my cousin L whispered in my ear "we've invited G for dinner, we think you two will really get on well" She said it with the sparkle in her eye and a tone of voice that meant I was most definitely being set up.

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I walked in to greet G, who while seemed very nice was around 1 and a half feet shorter than me. To give him his dues he was lovely dinner conversation and while there was never any chance of the slightest romantic flicker on my part we had fun. Then it happened and it became a future anecdote and really still makes me smile.

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Myself, L and G were sitting around the circular dining table, I was facing G who had his back to the window and L was to my left at the head of the table so to speak. L looked up at the window and very slightly jumped, the lodger had come home and was just outside the kitchen window. Why is this funny?? Because G was so frightened by L's almost imperceptible jump that he literally hopped out of his chair, crouched over L's lap and grabbed her hand with his eyes squeezed shut.

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I giggled, I just couldn't help myself and then I giggled some more.

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I let it go as a blip and the lodger B came and joined us at the table. L, B and I began a lively debate on the local nightlife. I looked at G who had been unnervingly quiet since his fright. He looked at me, went grey...............................and fainted.

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It was like something from a cartoon, his whole body became almost fluid as he slid off the chair onto the floor. My date has fainted I thought. My date has actually fainted!

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I really couldn't help myself this time, I laughed, not only did I laugh but I belly laughed, not only that but I belly laughed so hard I cried. He sat on the sofa watching me as I belly laughed and cried. My date who was 4/5 feet nothing tall had passed out at the dinner table because a man was at the window and he had never even seen him. It was funny, I knew it was wrong to laugh but seriously it was funny. I calmed down and then L then carried him to bed. Yes that's right SHE carried HIM to bed and I had to laugh some more.

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A couple of days later I was in the pub when a mutual friend announced that I'd apparently slept with G.

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I corrected them of course but thought, not only would I have to protect this man at Disney Land he had also told people we'd been.......inimate.........now, i thought, there's a keeper!!!!!

Well now aint that a bitch

So as you may have guessed I have been feeling a tad sorry for myself of late, oh boo-hoo poor me and all that jazz. Well I'm fluctuating today for a couple of reasons, firstly and can I hear a little whoop whoop because guess who's got a second interview at the hospital....yes.....me....... YAY!!!

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However, both my previous employers have dilly dallied in forwarding my references which has not reflected that well but the hospital say that they can see something in me which they like (not sure I like the sound of that, but I suppose do - a bit at least - its just quite ,you know, a disturbing turn of phrase) anyway so YAY for me - there are three other candidates being called back for second interviews so I know that there's still a high probability that I wont be offered the position but hey it shows I interviewed OK even if I did bomb in the tests!

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Now here comes the fluctuation. My ex husband who is actually still legally my husband (grrrr for the slow divorce process by the way) has informed me that he can't afford maintenance such as I have been receiving up to this point (no surprise there) and that he is moving in with girlfriend number three who he has been dating since the beginning of August.

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Now I can't help it, this makes me feel sorry for myself, not because I want him back - definitely point blank NO WAY to that one, but because I do not even have a man shaped blip on my radar and it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that when I am finally with that special someone it will be a far worthier, healthier relationship but hell, I can't help being a little envious. Not of their relationship but any relationship, I feel like I should be showing him I'm wanted by a wonderful man and not turning into a withered up old prune.

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I feel a little sorry for girlfriend number three though, by all accounts she's actually a nice girl, its a shame her boyfriend continues to pester me for sex, the last excuse was that he needed closure on our relationship (he left me by the way so where does he get off asking me for closure) and this morning he was asking me if I still wanted him to kiss my neck - personally I'd rather a pot bellied pig poo'd on my foot than have that sleaze bag who has become the clone of my absent father touch me ever again, eeeew.

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Oh well he can't pretend to be something he's not forever and who am I to stand in the way of what could well be true love, someday, maybe , for them.

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Guess what, I have a second interview so up yours weasel boy!!

What the.......

Now, anyone that knows me could tell you that I am decidedly not mathematical, if I get asked a maths question I break out in a sweat and feel totally sick but even I know some basics. So I am slightly confused that I rota'd Peter Beale for a shift in the cafe that meant he was doing a 36hour day, worst yet it felt perfectly normal to do this. Yes, clearly I was dreaming this and yes the fact that I was dreaming I was working in the cafe in Eastenders was quite perturbing enough but to be so mathematically dumb even in a dream is surely a bad sign!!!

No witty or remotely interesting post title can be thought of right now

It's late and I'm tired. I am listening to squeeze in one ear and my other ear is free for sounds from the snot monster that is currently residing in the bedroom next to mine. He has been a little treasure today even though at almost four years old he has already learned the art form that is man flu!

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So far today I have had to use a toy sword to remove my debit card from a wee logged toilet bowl, clean up an entire bottle of moisturiser which apparently was used in its (almost) entirety to create a 'cool' hairdo, I have also had the pleasure of having snot wiped over me and food coughed on me. But today has been a good day and you know what? I feel happy.

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Its a simple feeling with complex consequences. My life is not picture perfect, I know this yet I feel like a failure if it couldn't be classed as such from the outside world, I worry because I don't have 'it all' (which is what exactly???), But today none of that matters because my little man is full of cold and wants his mummy and that makes it all seem better, obviously I don't mean that he's ill but that he wants me - I'm not afraid to openly admit I get a sense of pleasure out of being wanted ( although I'm lucky he's not whiny when sick just clingy) but it was him just being him that triggered this bout of happiness.

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As I previously mentioned he used almost an entire bottle of moisturiser on his hair, I was upstairs and in comes this coughing and spluttering white glob creature with snot running down his face, his favorite fleecy dinosaur pyjamas on and a smile the size of the golden gate bridge on his face.

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"Look mummy, I have cool hair" oh dear thinks me but I smile

"Now sweetie your hair is of course incredibly cool but that's cream for mummy's skin not your hair and I really need to clean you up a bit before going back down" he looks at me a little surprised and thoughtful and I think hes going to cry because I want to wash it off when up goes his hand in that worldwide now hang on a minute gesture,

"OK mummy but there's a little bit if mess downstairs, you wait here and I'll clean it" again I think oh crap but I smile and agree. a couple of minutes pass and the little white glob monster appears in my bedroom doorway legs slightly apart hands on hips and huffing and puffing like he'd gone ten rounds with Amir Khan.

"I'm sorry mummy I can't clean my mess" he says waving his hands in a clear sign of defeat and with a big sigh reluctantly admits "Its just too insensible"

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I can't help it, I should put my foot down, moan about taking other peoples belongings and making a mess and taking responsibility but I'm looking at my baby all grown yet not nearly grown up. He's covered in white gloop, wearing cutsie pj's with bright red lips and has ridiculously spiky (gloopy) hair and all I can think to do is pull him onto my bed and tickle him until he laughs so hard he farts.

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And that is why I feel happy. Because he was just himself.

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But now its late and I am exhausted and I have remembered that I forgot to change my bedding and that there's washing up in the sink still from dinner and that the laundry needs to come out of the machine and get aired or I'll only have to wash it again tomorrow morning.

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Sod it all, I'll slide in next to little man and face the rest in the morning. I feel too good to waste it now.

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Oh and I did look it up (I had to didn't I!) just in case it wasn't just his version of betten-i (I'll explain another day) and it was indeed an actual word it means:

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1.

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a. Imperceptible; inappreciable: an insensible change in temperature.
b. Very small or gradual: insensible movement.

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2.

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a. Having lost consciousness, especially temporarily; unconscious: lay insensible where he had fallen.
b. Not invested with sensation; inanimate: insensible clay.
c. Devoid of physical sensation or the power to react, as to pain or cold; numb.

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3.

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a. Unaware; unmindful: I am not insensible of your concern.
b. Not emotionally responsive; indifferent: insensible to criticism.

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4. Lacking meaning; unintelligible.

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this information was gleaned from the following: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/insensible

Are you coming????

I am feeling vague today, yes that is probably the best way of saying how I feel, vague. And I can't help it, I am lonely for man company.

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My little boy is fabulous, we have been incredibly close this week, I have been teaching him to read and he drew his first ever smiley face but still, when he's asleep and I'm alone or when I've put the phone down to C or my mother I can imagine the hand on my shoulder saying "I want you to myself".

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I can almost feel his lips against my neck, the whispered words of love in my ear and the warmth of his breath against my mouth. I am lonely for the smell of his skin after he has showered and the scent of his aftershave on his pillow.

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I can see the boots in the hall and his coat on the rack, his favorite cheese in my fridge and his mug next to mine when I make tea in the morning.

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I lay on my sofa alone, watching whatever is on and wish that I was curled into him, warmed by him, comforted by him and I am silent just enjoying being in his presence.

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I am lonely for him.

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I don't know his name yet, where he lives or what he does and I don't know when I will finally whisper the words "I love you" or when I will watch him in the dark of night as he sleeps soundly beside me.

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But I will. One day I will give all that I am to you. My very own beloved.

I am Touched Re: Hello again

I have a moment to digest what has been said. To re-read what I wrote and to feel the connection my words and your words have made.

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I realise in hearing your words that in your writing I have found my glimmer. That, in the kindness of strangers I have begun to find my feet.

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I am touched that you who do not know me, you who have taken time out of your own wonderfully colourful and diverse lives have offered me support at a time when I felt empty of my own strength. You have lifted my spirits and restored my faith in kindness. Your comforting words have been a tonic and now I know, through the kindness of strangers that I am not broken, I have not failed I am just dented and tired and that sometimes in the darkest of moments it is the simplest of things that bring hope.

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I hope that in your times of darkness someone reaches through your solitude and offers hope as you have done for me and I can only say thank you and it's not nearly enough.