So the New Year cometh

Wow! I am one lucky girl. I actually did get some stuff from my wish list which is pretty fabulous. I got some perfume (Hugo Femme - thanks mum!) and I got 5 books which I have pretty much devoured as I have read 4 of them already - but hey it was like someone gave a glass of water to someone who hadn't had a drink for a week - I couldn't help myself. Not to mention that the Twilight Saga was just such a good and easy read I had to continue till there was nothing left and I may re-read them very soon. I took my sister to the cinema on Boxing Day to watch Twilight the movie, probably not the best thing to do the day after reading the first two books but hey it was still enjoyable. I'm one of those people that, whilst I love the movies am always a little disappointed with how much of the detail in the writing has to be dropped to make a film but still very enjoyable. A little question for any of you who may have read the book and watched the movie, do you feel Edward should have glistened more in the sun? Oh well I still enjoyed it - in fact I loved it I just preferred the book. My imagination does a lot more with the information in a book than can be possible in a movie.

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My brother who at 4 years older than me went through every obsession I had before he left home got me some of the most fantastic DVD's ever. The Blues Brothers (shake a tail feather baby), Red Sonja (Oh Yeah) and the movie that ignited a passion for the world of myth legend and fantasy now don't laugh..............Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the original) fabulous!!!!

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Life is as hectic as ever which is great I don't have to go back to work until January 5th which is way too long yet when I'm back will not feel like long enough at all. If this sounds a little messy then i apologise - I am suffering from verbal diarrhea and you are getting the brunt of it. Like I said...Sorry.

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I also had a phone call yesterday, my best friend is pregnant - its fab news she is so excited bless her, I am keeping everything i possess crossed because its really really early days and none of us are oblivious to all the things that can happen. I feel all excited, its a bit like I'm becoming an auntie!

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So what are you up to for New Years? I haven't decided yet, little man is with his dad (urg - I hate it but lil man comes first and foremost and if Peter Pan wannabe feels like he can cope then who am I to stand in the way of a relationship being forged) Anyway, what I was saying was that little man is with his dad and Ive been invited to a party at a friends house. I have said no because I don't like the thought that my mum and sister will be sat in the lounge watching the countdown on TV alone, especially after they've helped me so much this year. Sooooooo we are contemplating going out - doing something a little different, Trafalgar square sounds good to me.

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Anyway I am going to go now and probably wont get a chance to write until new year so, sorry for the babble, Have a great new years eve, kiss someone special at midnight and I will be wishing you all lots of fabulous things for 2009 xxx

Well Hello Stranger

So I have nothing wrapped, very little bought for little man compared to what my mum has got for him and I feel totally inadequate, my kid has taken to telling me he doesn't want a nasty mummy and wants a new mummy (I promise I am not nasty to him but to a four year old when mummy says no chocolate for breakfast or some such then I am a nasty mummy). He is now sharing a room with me at my mothers which quite frankly was cute at first but after urinating on my back three times in his sleep is no longer cute but rather bloody tiresome (particularly as he has barely if ever, wet the bed before..grrrrr) but all of that considered we have been doing well.

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I am still working, the Christmas party last weekend was fabulous and I had no hangover, although I suppose the effects of the extraordinarily large quantities of Vodka REDBULL that I drank are only just starting to wear off. The only thing to rain on my parade is the upcoming first anniversary of 'I just don't love you the way a husband should'. A week and 3 days to be precise. It's scary. Nearly a whole year. Sometimes I look in the mirror and its like I'm watching a film of a girl who's looking in the mirror. Surreal.

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We have had a few bumps all living together but its not too bad. When I need space I stick my headphones in turn the volume up on my iPod and blast some Good Charlotte or Boyzone (hmmm yes I think the word you're looking for is eclectic not weird!).

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The highlight of my week has been the Christmas card I got from my fabulous Brother and his equally fabulous lady which was hand drawn and rather classily depicted a robot Santa saying HO HO HO. Just perfect for me and little man and exactly what I'd expect from those two crazy kids living the dream in America.

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If I make a single resolution for next year it will be to life my life in such a way that makes me and those that love me proud.

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Oh and I'm doing driving lessons so it's all good. Now below is a little Christmas wish list for you to peruse, for no reason other than I haven't written a list for years and had an urge to do so!

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1) A little 2 bed house with garden somewhere by the coast down South

2) The one

3) To pass my driving test

4) To start a degree

5) A red Nintendo DS

6) A Personal Trainer

7) Some Socks

8) Some Perfume (preferably Hugo Woman/Hugo Femme)

9) A puppy

10) Some books

11) Some music

12) An unlimited gift card for Simply Be/Evans and Long Tall Sally

13) A passport and holiday for me and sproglet

14) Some DVD'S

15) A nice treat

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So not much hahaha well - they are just wishes!! We can wish for and dream whatever we like can't we, that's the whole point of them!

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Merry Christmas all, I hope your Christmas is full of laughter love and scrumpled wrapping paper and that the New year brings you all lots of health, wealth, love and happiness. Take Care xxx

tis the season to be jolly

I don't read the newspapers, or watch the news on TV, why? because I'm being ignorant? because it helps me not take responsibility for actively participating in the world at large? Maybe it's a little of both but there is also another reason. I just get too bloody sad. You see I believe that fundamentally all people think and feel the same way that I do (clearly they don't) and when I hear some of the awful things that happen in the world its like a little death. Not in the real sense of the word but figuratively speaking. A little bit of my faith in human nature gets worn down and you want to stop believing in the good just in case. So I try not to read too many of the stories and I try not too watch too much of the coverage of the terrible things that go on in the world today because while I know that life is not all butterflies and daisy's and doesn't always smell of roses I have to save a little faith, for the people I love when they run out, for myself when I walk blindly into the future and people don't always let you down.

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Strangers help pick up your shopping when you drop it, or hold the door open when you can't do it yourself, people donate a pound here and there to help children who rely on that money to help them live as healthy, happy and secure a life as possible.

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So in the run up to Christmas which is supposed to be the season to be jolly why don't we all take a moment to smile at someone rather than bow our head, to say thank you to the check out girl who looks totally harassed and to offer our seat on the bus to someone who really does need it more.

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Because perhaps, if we lead by example our children will grow up and do the same.

No Title as yet..........

It's hard being this optimistic all the time so I hope you'll forgive me when I say I feel like poo today. Only because I have been at my old house cleaning and sorting and seeing all the rooms naked (the rooms not me, that would just be odd) has made me feel a little sad for the girl I was when we moved in there as a family of three. Not enough to make me cry, although the tears do keep threatening but enough to make me feel nostalgic, the girl back then was hopeful, naive and oblivious to a lot. Somehow though I know I was less self sufficient, less independant and less everything (except heavy, I am definitely less heavy now) I also have a small sense of longing for those feelings.

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I truly felt that things would work out. They didn't and I can't help but want to go back, not to change what happened as such but to tell the girl I was a year and a half ago that she should spend less time pretending to be happy because the illusion would shatter her heart.

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Ah well, the keys go back this weekend and perhaps closing that door on my past will open a new one for the future and maybe I'll meet a girl who doesn't hide behind a false smile, who laughs because it's funny and who loves just because. Maybe that girl will be me, just a little bit.

All Change

I haven't written lately. I've been busy. The world as I know it has changed, for the better but I am wordless because I have no idea where to start and how to not bore you with the details.

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I have moved me and my little man in with my mum and sister and though I thought it would be really hard I think its turning out to be one of the best decisions but there will be bumps, so watch this space for any possible rants.

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I am working, it was so nice getting my first wage in 8 months in my bank account. I cannot begin to explain how liberating that felt. It's not a career, just a little office job, but its mine and I love it.

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I have got to get used to having less privacy and more noise but all in all life is fine.

Arrrrrrggggg

Why don't I do things the way normal people do!!! Why do I always do everything at once!! No I'm not just moving house soon, I am moving house getting a divorce, embarking (possibly) on a new romance and starting a new job. I don't do things by half me!!!

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It was the same a few years ago, I bought a house, got married, lost my job and had a baby within about 18 months! Like I said I don't do things by half!!!

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Right now I am using this wonderful little blog as a way to not fill the hole I accidentally made in little mans room and as a way to not pack any more boxes and to not clean out anymore cupboards. Basically I am procrastinating, yes yes I know..........get on with it.

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Cheerio!!!!!

Busy Busy Bee

So hello there, just thought I'd check in, I felt I should write a post but to be honest I've not a great deal of ideas as to what to write.

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You know I hate that saying 'to be honest' and I hate all the other variations of it really such as 'in truth' or 'in all honesty' I mean really.....whenever I hear it or even when I say it (which I do) it makes me wonder if it means what the person normally says should be considered as untruthful or less than honest?? Clearly if you're pointing out the fact that this particular bit of information that you've decided to share is true (which should be a given) then what does that say about everything else you say? That its not necessarily quite as true??? Personally I'd prefer it if, whenever anyone was lying or being less than honest they would start or finish their sentence with something along the lines of 'in all dishonesty'. Wouldn't that make life a little easier?

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So I have a job now by the way, my house is nearly totally packed although I don't actually know where I'm moving to or when but there's nothing wrong with being organised is there.

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Anyway I must dash boxes to pack, house to clean and child to rear (and all that jazz)!

My ten favourite things...

I thought I'd take the opportunity to appreciate some of my favourite things so here just ten of them:
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• Waking up naturally to the noise of your home and stretching under the warm covers that smell of sleep.

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• The first cup of tea of the morning

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• When my little boy laughs in his sleep and I have to wonder what he's dreaming

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• The moment when you know he's so close to kissing you but he waits just a second and looks into your eyes and you feel your heart skip a beat

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• When you feel like crap and someone totally unexpectedly compliments you, my personal fave was when someone told me I had a heart shaped smile

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• When you take your socks off after a hot day in trainers

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• Getting all wrapped up and snuggley in your scarf, coat, hat and gloves and watching a fireworks display with your lover, I can smell it now (the fireworks not my lover)

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• The look of amazement on a child's face Christmas morning when they see the presents under the tree

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• Switching off phones, getting nibbles, drawing the curtains and snuggling up on the sofa with that special person and watching a DVD.

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• Tasting something amazing for the first time and savouring the texture in your mouth

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Today my favourite thing was when my little boy got in bed with me at about 7am and snuggled up for a story. Fabulous.

Oh and........

did I mention, I'm dating someone (sort of)................................

Ex's, stresses and disappoinments part two

So little man left his welly's with daddy on Saturday and to my surprise there was a knock knock knocking on my door last night, when I opened my shiny red front door the Ex was standing there happily waggling said welly's.

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He chatted to me as he always does about what area of his life he feels he requires some validation for. But it seemed odd, the way he was behaving and I realised its because he had brought his girlfriend along. Talk about caught off guard.

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I wasn't sure what to do at this point but in moments of distress I find myself becoming quite British and 'proper'

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"Do come in" I heard myself say "I'll make a nice cup of tea" in reality this was odd in my head I was screaming at myself WHAT THE BLOODY NORA ARE YOU DOING WOMAN!!!!!!!

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And why do we always make tea in times of stress????

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I was screaming at myself because I felt cornered but I also felt slightly detached from the scene. I did get a chance to notice a few things though. She was clearly nervous too which made me feel better (I don't claim to still be in love with my Ex but my ego will not let me believe they shouldn't feel in the least bit threatened by me, they should - because he needs more than they realise and perhaps more than any of us are capable of giving). He followed me to the kitchen while I made tea, he chose to sit on my chair and left her to sit on her own on the sofa. He then proceeded to tell stories of our shenanigans, silly things like the rare nights out we had together and the like. She mentioned their recent night out (which could have been any of them since they've been together around 6 weeks) and in all honesty I felt a little sorry for her.

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I was wonderful. I was friendly, made a great cuppa and looked fabulous to boot not to mention my phone bleeped constantly with text messages that made me seem popular. It was unexpected and I felt it was meant to make me uncomfortable so I was quietly impressed with my behaviour.

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I shan't tell my mum, she would literally blow a gasket at me inviting them in and although I almost coped perfectly with the situation there is nothing worse than someone saying "You shouldn't have done that!"

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The Ex text me today "is it alright if I come to yours for an hour this afternoon, it'll give me a chance to play with little man ... if he's there"

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I politely refused, I know a bootie call when it's text to me. Thanks but er...no thanks!!!!

Ex's, stresses and disappointments part one

I really felt a lump in my throat this weekend. Little man was staying with the Ex and I was planning on spending the weekend packing when on Saturday lunchtime I got a phone call. Apparently little man wanted to come home (of course it had nothing to do with the fact that the Ex wanted to take girlfriend number 3 out to dinner and his mum had refused to babysit as had his sister because quite frankly they believe that since he sees little man for 2 days out of 14 he's got plenty of time to rearrange things around that) Anyway I said pretty much the same thing.

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"But he's been really excited about spending the weekend with you, you haven't seen him for like 2 weeks" says me

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"Then I suppose I'll just have to put up with him be an obnoxious little brat tonight then wont I" says the Ex

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"I want to speak to my mummy" little man

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"Hello baby are you having fun??"

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"No I want to come home, please say awwright"

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"Awwright"

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Not long after that the ex arrived at my front door and little man virtually launched himself and his ear to ear smile at the sight of me out of the van door and into my arms. "I love you mummy" he whispered as he clung to me with all his might.

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As it turns out the ex moved into his girlfriends flat on the Saturday morning and yes they went out to celebrate on the Saturday evening. If only the ex realised what he's missing.

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I am so very lucky that he knew he could come back to me my little boy of colours.

Say it aint so!!

I am not entirely convinced I am normal. I have just been given the date I have to leave my property, it's the 14th October. Yeah not much time eh and no the council still haven't sorted out an alternative and yes I have spoken to the homelessness officer who has told me I have to wait till a bailiff comes to remove me which in actual fact buys me a couple of extra weeks. So you see I should be panicking, maybe crying but I'm not. I really don't feel anything at all. That's right, nothing, Nada, zilch!

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I have had the obligatory rant to my mum and best mate but that was for their benefit, so they don't go getting me sectioned or something for not being worried. I don't know why I am not worried. I think the worry, I have a multitude of to-do lists in my head about what emotion to show to who but I don't actually feel it.

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So you see, I really am not entirely convinced I am normal. Is it normal behaviour to pretend to your friends and family that you're stressing out because not stressing out isn't the normal reaction? If that's normal then I am woo-hoo, if its not then..............well quite frankly I'm in trouble!!

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Or maybe I'm just done with stressing out and worrying. Maybe I have done so much of that this year I've used most of it up??? Is that possible??

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And I still don't know how they get those little ships in the bottles.

Well Done You

So I have been reading some other blogs this evening and was deeply touched by this one particular post. It really had me catching my breath http://www.clevergirlgoesblog.com/2008/09/gray-area.html it is well written and clear in an understated way. It talks about a marriage that is no more and perhaps with hindsight should never have been even though we all know what we have done and who has been in our lives are all contributing cogs in the wheels of our lives, good and bad..

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I have been there, I am there, I wish I could be somewhere else but I'm not. I'm living it at the moment and I wonder often whether I will find that little light at the end of the tunnel, whether I am damaged goods now? whether I have too much baggage for one so young? This post is a wonderful reminder that I'm not the only person in the world and that life is big and bright and unpredictable.

My worst date experience...

So I have been thinking today about my history with dates and I have realised that so far I have been on 1 official date which I have already told you about on a previous post and 2 that were set ups. This is my dating history and I thought I'd take the opportunity to tell you about my first set up. Shall we say it was............interesting.

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The evening was nice and warm and I was looking forward to a meal at my cousins house. She's a lovely girl and I thought it would be fun, her and her boyfriend lodged at a house with another fella and so I assumed I would bump into him but nothing more crossed my mind.

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When I got there my cousin L whispered in my ear "we've invited G for dinner, we think you two will really get on well" She said it with the sparkle in her eye and a tone of voice that meant I was most definitely being set up.

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I walked in to greet G, who while seemed very nice was around 1 and a half feet shorter than me. To give him his dues he was lovely dinner conversation and while there was never any chance of the slightest romantic flicker on my part we had fun. Then it happened and it became a future anecdote and really still makes me smile.

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Myself, L and G were sitting around the circular dining table, I was facing G who had his back to the window and L was to my left at the head of the table so to speak. L looked up at the window and very slightly jumped, the lodger had come home and was just outside the kitchen window. Why is this funny?? Because G was so frightened by L's almost imperceptible jump that he literally hopped out of his chair, crouched over L's lap and grabbed her hand with his eyes squeezed shut.

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I giggled, I just couldn't help myself and then I giggled some more.

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I let it go as a blip and the lodger B came and joined us at the table. L, B and I began a lively debate on the local nightlife. I looked at G who had been unnervingly quiet since his fright. He looked at me, went grey...............................and fainted.

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It was like something from a cartoon, his whole body became almost fluid as he slid off the chair onto the floor. My date has fainted I thought. My date has actually fainted!

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I really couldn't help myself this time, I laughed, not only did I laugh but I belly laughed, not only that but I belly laughed so hard I cried. He sat on the sofa watching me as I belly laughed and cried. My date who was 4/5 feet nothing tall had passed out at the dinner table because a man was at the window and he had never even seen him. It was funny, I knew it was wrong to laugh but seriously it was funny. I calmed down and then L then carried him to bed. Yes that's right SHE carried HIM to bed and I had to laugh some more.

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A couple of days later I was in the pub when a mutual friend announced that I'd apparently slept with G.

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I corrected them of course but thought, not only would I have to protect this man at Disney Land he had also told people we'd been.......inimate.........now, i thought, there's a keeper!!!!!

Well now aint that a bitch

So as you may have guessed I have been feeling a tad sorry for myself of late, oh boo-hoo poor me and all that jazz. Well I'm fluctuating today for a couple of reasons, firstly and can I hear a little whoop whoop because guess who's got a second interview at the hospital....yes.....me....... YAY!!!

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However, both my previous employers have dilly dallied in forwarding my references which has not reflected that well but the hospital say that they can see something in me which they like (not sure I like the sound of that, but I suppose do - a bit at least - its just quite ,you know, a disturbing turn of phrase) anyway so YAY for me - there are three other candidates being called back for second interviews so I know that there's still a high probability that I wont be offered the position but hey it shows I interviewed OK even if I did bomb in the tests!

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Now here comes the fluctuation. My ex husband who is actually still legally my husband (grrrr for the slow divorce process by the way) has informed me that he can't afford maintenance such as I have been receiving up to this point (no surprise there) and that he is moving in with girlfriend number three who he has been dating since the beginning of August.

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Now I can't help it, this makes me feel sorry for myself, not because I want him back - definitely point blank NO WAY to that one, but because I do not even have a man shaped blip on my radar and it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that when I am finally with that special someone it will be a far worthier, healthier relationship but hell, I can't help being a little envious. Not of their relationship but any relationship, I feel like I should be showing him I'm wanted by a wonderful man and not turning into a withered up old prune.

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I feel a little sorry for girlfriend number three though, by all accounts she's actually a nice girl, its a shame her boyfriend continues to pester me for sex, the last excuse was that he needed closure on our relationship (he left me by the way so where does he get off asking me for closure) and this morning he was asking me if I still wanted him to kiss my neck - personally I'd rather a pot bellied pig poo'd on my foot than have that sleaze bag who has become the clone of my absent father touch me ever again, eeeew.

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Oh well he can't pretend to be something he's not forever and who am I to stand in the way of what could well be true love, someday, maybe , for them.

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Guess what, I have a second interview so up yours weasel boy!!

What the.......

Now, anyone that knows me could tell you that I am decidedly not mathematical, if I get asked a maths question I break out in a sweat and feel totally sick but even I know some basics. So I am slightly confused that I rota'd Peter Beale for a shift in the cafe that meant he was doing a 36hour day, worst yet it felt perfectly normal to do this. Yes, clearly I was dreaming this and yes the fact that I was dreaming I was working in the cafe in Eastenders was quite perturbing enough but to be so mathematically dumb even in a dream is surely a bad sign!!!

No witty or remotely interesting post title can be thought of right now

It's late and I'm tired. I am listening to squeeze in one ear and my other ear is free for sounds from the snot monster that is currently residing in the bedroom next to mine. He has been a little treasure today even though at almost four years old he has already learned the art form that is man flu!

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So far today I have had to use a toy sword to remove my debit card from a wee logged toilet bowl, clean up an entire bottle of moisturiser which apparently was used in its (almost) entirety to create a 'cool' hairdo, I have also had the pleasure of having snot wiped over me and food coughed on me. But today has been a good day and you know what? I feel happy.

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Its a simple feeling with complex consequences. My life is not picture perfect, I know this yet I feel like a failure if it couldn't be classed as such from the outside world, I worry because I don't have 'it all' (which is what exactly???), But today none of that matters because my little man is full of cold and wants his mummy and that makes it all seem better, obviously I don't mean that he's ill but that he wants me - I'm not afraid to openly admit I get a sense of pleasure out of being wanted ( although I'm lucky he's not whiny when sick just clingy) but it was him just being him that triggered this bout of happiness.

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As I previously mentioned he used almost an entire bottle of moisturiser on his hair, I was upstairs and in comes this coughing and spluttering white glob creature with snot running down his face, his favorite fleecy dinosaur pyjamas on and a smile the size of the golden gate bridge on his face.

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"Look mummy, I have cool hair" oh dear thinks me but I smile

"Now sweetie your hair is of course incredibly cool but that's cream for mummy's skin not your hair and I really need to clean you up a bit before going back down" he looks at me a little surprised and thoughtful and I think hes going to cry because I want to wash it off when up goes his hand in that worldwide now hang on a minute gesture,

"OK mummy but there's a little bit if mess downstairs, you wait here and I'll clean it" again I think oh crap but I smile and agree. a couple of minutes pass and the little white glob monster appears in my bedroom doorway legs slightly apart hands on hips and huffing and puffing like he'd gone ten rounds with Amir Khan.

"I'm sorry mummy I can't clean my mess" he says waving his hands in a clear sign of defeat and with a big sigh reluctantly admits "Its just too insensible"

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I can't help it, I should put my foot down, moan about taking other peoples belongings and making a mess and taking responsibility but I'm looking at my baby all grown yet not nearly grown up. He's covered in white gloop, wearing cutsie pj's with bright red lips and has ridiculously spiky (gloopy) hair and all I can think to do is pull him onto my bed and tickle him until he laughs so hard he farts.

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And that is why I feel happy. Because he was just himself.

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But now its late and I am exhausted and I have remembered that I forgot to change my bedding and that there's washing up in the sink still from dinner and that the laundry needs to come out of the machine and get aired or I'll only have to wash it again tomorrow morning.

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Sod it all, I'll slide in next to little man and face the rest in the morning. I feel too good to waste it now.

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Oh and I did look it up (I had to didn't I!) just in case it wasn't just his version of betten-i (I'll explain another day) and it was indeed an actual word it means:

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1.

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a. Imperceptible; inappreciable: an insensible change in temperature.
b. Very small or gradual: insensible movement.

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2.

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a. Having lost consciousness, especially temporarily; unconscious: lay insensible where he had fallen.
b. Not invested with sensation; inanimate: insensible clay.
c. Devoid of physical sensation or the power to react, as to pain or cold; numb.

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3.

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a. Unaware; unmindful: I am not insensible of your concern.
b. Not emotionally responsive; indifferent: insensible to criticism.

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4. Lacking meaning; unintelligible.

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this information was gleaned from the following: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/insensible

Are you coming????

I am feeling vague today, yes that is probably the best way of saying how I feel, vague. And I can't help it, I am lonely for man company.

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My little boy is fabulous, we have been incredibly close this week, I have been teaching him to read and he drew his first ever smiley face but still, when he's asleep and I'm alone or when I've put the phone down to C or my mother I can imagine the hand on my shoulder saying "I want you to myself".

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I can almost feel his lips against my neck, the whispered words of love in my ear and the warmth of his breath against my mouth. I am lonely for the smell of his skin after he has showered and the scent of his aftershave on his pillow.

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I can see the boots in the hall and his coat on the rack, his favorite cheese in my fridge and his mug next to mine when I make tea in the morning.

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I lay on my sofa alone, watching whatever is on and wish that I was curled into him, warmed by him, comforted by him and I am silent just enjoying being in his presence.

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I am lonely for him.

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I don't know his name yet, where he lives or what he does and I don't know when I will finally whisper the words "I love you" or when I will watch him in the dark of night as he sleeps soundly beside me.

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But I will. One day I will give all that I am to you. My very own beloved.

I am Touched Re: Hello again

I have a moment to digest what has been said. To re-read what I wrote and to feel the connection my words and your words have made.

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I realise in hearing your words that in your writing I have found my glimmer. That, in the kindness of strangers I have begun to find my feet.

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I am touched that you who do not know me, you who have taken time out of your own wonderfully colourful and diverse lives have offered me support at a time when I felt empty of my own strength. You have lifted my spirits and restored my faith in kindness. Your comforting words have been a tonic and now I know, through the kindness of strangers that I am not broken, I have not failed I am just dented and tired and that sometimes in the darkest of moments it is the simplest of things that bring hope.

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I hope that in your times of darkness someone reaches through your solitude and offers hope as you have done for me and I can only say thank you and it's not nearly enough.

Disconnection

I am having a hard time at the moment and I am shamed because of it. I know ABSOLUTELY that there are people in far more difficult situations than me. But I cannot navigate past or through this wall I seem to have suddenly come up against and quite frankly I don't know where to begin. I am stuck.

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I feel as though I am watching my life and not living it, I listen to conversations but don't feel like I hear them. I feel..................disconnected.